Parent 2 Parent

Torn to Pieces

2012-03-01T08:40:00.002-08:00

The meeting went well with his parole officer and they are reconsidering their decision and may allow him to stay at The City Rescue Mission. He told them how he has mentors who visit with him and that he is very much attached to a local church near the mission.

If he continues to follow the rules he will be admitted to their recovery program this Sunday.

We made arrangements to pick him up for lunch last Sunday. We had not seen our son in two years. He has been in some county jail or in the addiction world.

Before our journey into the unknown I removed my golf clubs and other valuables from the car. I made sure I didn't have much cash on me and left my gold rings and other personal valuables at home. I warned my wife to do the same. I know it sounds nuts but I have seen too much and I have never been in that part of town. I did not know what to expect. Hey, I'm from the suburbs! :)

I found the mission, it is in a part of town that has few open businesses, mostly boarded up windows in buildings in great disrepair. It was eerie. I went in the wrong door, I was at the womans shelter. This is a very large complex and they house families as well as single women and men.

The entrance to the men's shelter was surrounded by men with their luggage at their feet. There were men everywhere, I would say thirty to fifty. I walked inside, a man at a booth looked at me strangely; I asked about my son. At that time I heard a voice say, "Hi Dad" and I turned and there he was. Wow, he looked so good. He came over and gave me a big hug and said how happy it was to see me. We then went out to the car and he hugged his Mom for what seemed like forever. They both cried as they hugged. I just kept a watchful eye for any carjackers.

I had made reservation at a very nice restaurant about a mile away. My son was in a T-shirt and it was stained but we didn't care.

The waitress took our drink orders and as she left my wife began to cry and told my son how wonderful he looked and sounded. My son responded that he is told that often, how he doesn't look or sound like someone who would be homeless, addicted to drugs and unemployed.

On the way back to the mission we passed a man sitting on the curb with a sign asking for money. My son said, "You see that? He's doing it all wrong. He should have misspelled a word or two. He should be standing up." In one instance my joy of being with my son and my anticipation of a hopeful future was crowded with the voice of a very sick and addicted mind. I was instantly reminded of all I have learned in Families Anonymous. The reality hit me hard and tears rolled downed my cheeks. I did all I could to withhold a verbal outburst of anguish and despair.

I will continue to love him but I am torn to pieces by this disgusting disease.

In prayer for my son and your child.

"Well, just call your Dad!"

2012-02-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all your comments.

I have been able to make some adjustments to my blog,
so for those who could not comment, please try again.

My son lasted one evening at the City Rescue mission.

On the second night after his release I received a call
from him. He was obviously high. He wanted to let me know
he was okay and he wanted Jack's number. The more he
talked the more emotional he became. His ability
to comprehend me was not possible and he ended the
conversation abruptly. However, I felt all his emotions;
I knew he was scared, he wanted desperately to leave
the drug house but he couldn't. I sensed his frustration,
the insanity of it all.

I was sad. I knew a warrant would be issued for his arrest
and he would be sentenced to ten years in our state
penitentiary. I told my wife and, as usual, tears formed in her
eyes and I watched as they flowed down her cheeks. She
said nothing, I waited and then asked her to pray with me.

Praise God! The third day he called from the City Rescue
Mission to inform us he was accepted into their recovery
program.

The next day I received a call from his parole officer (Julie)
from Mc Clan County. She was looking for my son and I
explained I was his father and told her where he was. She
was not happy! She indicated that he was informed to
report directly to her, in person, the day he was released
from our county jail. She then said that if he wasn't at her
office by 8:00 AM the next day he would be going to prison.

In addition, She was not impressed with the City Rescue
Mission, telling me it was nothing but a non-profit drug house!
I gave her the number to the rescue mission.

The next day around 11:00 AM my son called to tell me
Julie contacted him and he must be in her office before noon
today or she will issue the warrant. He was in shock and very
emotional as he tried to explain that he thought he had
two weeks to check in with her. He explained to her he
had no money or way to get there. He checked at the mission
and no one could take him. He told her he would have to hitch
hike but he didn't know if he would be there in time. Julie then
said, "Well, just call your Dad!"

My son calls and tells me he is so sorry to put me through this
but he can't go to prison. Ok, I tell him, just wait by the front door
and be ready to go.

Time is running out and I have no other options but to call a cab.
The cab driver arrives at my office and insists on cash and I do
not have $155.00 on me so I have to ask the office staff to pitch in.
I hand over the money and tell him he must hurry.

As I walked back to my office the staff is staring at me like a
scene out of the Twilight Zone. I say nothing and prepare to meet
my next appointment.

It will never end.

In prayer for my son and your child.

A God Moment!

2012-02-17T08:50:00.002-08:00

Last week a gentleman (I will call him Ray) was ministering to the inmates and my son asked him to pray for him. A conversation began after the prayer in which small clue's began to emerge. Ray discovered that the man he was praying with was our son. In fact, Ray is a very good client of ours and we had no idea he did ministry in our county jail. In addition, Ray is friends with an earlier mentor (I will call him Jack) to my son who runs his church recovery ministry and Celebrate Recovery program. The church also has sober living homes they operate and my son was a part of that program a couple years ago. .

This is no small jail as it can house up to 3,000 inmates. What a God moment for all of us.

My son was released from the jail last night around 11:00 PM. He asked if Ray would be willing to meet him and support him as he went into the City Rescue Mission program. Ray was very willing.

Ray called me and admitted he knew nothing about addiction and was a little uneasy about picking my son up and taking him to this program. He asked if he could have Jack join him and I said that would be perfect.

My son called this morning around 7:00 am to let us know he was checked in and that Ray and Jack were there for him and they took him to ihop. That was quite a treat after over two months in jail.

He said some very encouraging things like how he was going to go to the library and apply for his SSN documentation, how he was going to go to the DMV and get his drivers licensed reissued, how he was going to determine the bus routes, how he was going to get in contact with the county courts and let them know his situation and how he was going to comply with their requirements.

I wasn't asked to do a thing! That's what I call a son who is truly motivated for change. He knows his recovery has to be done by him and he knows that God will provide his strength to endure.

In prayer for my son, your child and all the families who suffer from the disease of addiction.

The Moment of Truth Will Arrive Soon!

2012-02-09T13:09:00.001-08:00

My son violated our rule of only three calls per week.

Of course, it's only a violation if I answer the phone. Right?

I finally answer because he kept calling and calling; I figure
there must be some emergency. The emergency is his
cell mate is desperate to know if his brother has arranged
bond and there is no way to make contact except through
me. I remind my son that we are not going to get involved
in these types of requests but he is unusually demanding
and persistent, regardless of my resistance.

I told him I was hanging up and he immediately stopped
the harassment. This was proof that the word "no" is
indeed a full sentence and it works!!!!!

He asked if I had any information about the Salvation Army
ARC program and I responded that it isn't an option. The
program has a waiting list and it will take several weeks
before they expect an opening. In addition, he has to have
some type of social security documentation, a photo ID
and a TB test before they accept him.

He will be released sometime between 1:00 am to 3:00 am
on Feb 17. The Salvation Army will not come and get him
nor will they admit him due to all the documentation
requirements.

I explained the only option I found was the City Rescue
Mission. It is five blocks from the county jail and they will
accept him 24/7. I learned they have an excellent ten month
inpatient program which includes dental, health and
numerous other services.

He told me he knows of others who have been to the
program. He said it was a good option.

I was relieved to hear he felt it was a good option and there
was no resistance in walking the five blocks.

When he is released, will he decide to return
to the world of addiction or walk the five blocks and begin
recovery? What will he do?

The moment of truth is coming soon.

I have no power over his disease.
I accept my powerlessness.

I give him to my God.

I pray for our strength to endure.

In prayer for my son and your child.

A Protective Custody Family Contract!

2012-02-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

When the child of addiction meets the parents of
recovery specific boundaries are so necessary. :)

There really should be a book or pamphlet for parents
so they have a better understanding of the addictive
mind and it's motivations once in protective custody.

My son thought processes are still firmly planted in his
addictive society/civilization. All thoughts are from his
prospective within the world of addiction. We don't
know him! A quite frightening experience for the parents.

For example:

* Would you check and see if Jennifer V. (his girlfriend
from the addictive world) is in jail.

* I did her wrong and I will testify at her trial. it was all
my fault.

* She said she was pregnant with my child but refused to
get a test to prove it. I think she lied to me.

* I have seen people I use to "run" with in here. One was
a really stand up guy. We did a "job" together but had to
split up because of the police. He later found me & gave
me my share.

* Would you call my public defender and make sure he
knows of the deal the McClan county judge made with me
& see if it can run concurrently with this county?

* Would you check on my "cell-e" charges and see if he has
a court date and would you call his girlfriend and find out if
she will figure out a way to bail him out?

* Where are the books and money order you mailed? I haven't
received them.

The requests are endless & frequent. Do you see how easy it
is for a Mom & Dad to get drawn into the chaos and drama? The
counselor didn't warn us about all this, so we weren't really
that prepared.

I went ahead and did a few of the things he asked but on the
next call I explained that we are in the world of recovery & will
not cross over any more into his world. In addition, you can call
"only" on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday of each week at 9:00 PM.
(we will not answer any calls other than at those times).

We have designed a "Protective Custody Family Contract."

In prayer for my child and your child.

How do I "help" my son?

2012-01-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

My son has completed his sentence at that other
county and has now been transferred to my county.

Someone from the court did an assessment and he
qualified for an inpatient treatment program! He is
required to complete an inpatient six month program
and then he will be on a five year suspended sentence.
One false move and it's off to prison.

The only problem is he has no money, no job, no car
and he has close to $2,000 in fines he has to pay,
not to mention, he has to find his own treatment
program and report back to the court etc.

Due to the felony charges he believes his licensed will
be revoked after his court appearance in our county. Of
course, he will have a lot more charges and fines to add
to the other fees. And on and on and on.

I'm OK with his struggles. I feel recovery depends on
him determining how many consequences he wants to
endure before he get's "sick and tired of being sick and
tired." That is when his moment of clarity will come, that
is when God opens the door to long term recovery.

Well, I still want to help him. I am aware of my
codependency and enabling tendencies but I have a sponsor,
counselor and most importantly, my friends here to help keep
me in my own recovery.

"But" I still want to find ways to help my son!

"But" what could they be?

How do you "stay close" but not enable?

Are there any clear answers?

2012-01-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

The county jail my son is in has no AA
or NA meetings and the only outside
support is a pastor who comes on
Wednesday's and Sundays. However,
once he is transferred to our county
that all changes. He will have access
to a host of recovery materials and
meetings.

The majority of parents tend to
suggest that it is best to allow our
children to make their own choices.
However, if requested, then it would
be appropriate to send recovery
literature. However, BMelons, who is
in recovery, suggested sending
recovery materials would be seen as
a loving gift.

The sad truth is, there is no clear
answer to anything related to
addiction, is there?

My counselors suggestion that it was
permissible to take his phone calls
and put money on his account is
somewhat questionable to me at this
point.

If one is to consider the history of
my son's addiction and his age I
would think the most a parent, like
me, should do is send him a letter
of love and encouragement for
recovery every now and then.

You see, he never called anyone in
his family in the past six months
and the only reason he (the disease)
is calling us now is because no one
else will take his calls. In
addition, he (the disease) knows
that if there is any chance at all
of lessening his consequences, it
is through the manipulation of his
parents.

You see, I am not talking to my son.
I am talking to his disease. A
disease so powerful that it blocks
out his love for us, his intrinsic
motivations and all reason and
logic. How would a parent ever hope
to communicate with such a disease?
If you have any ideas, I beg you to
post them!

What do you think of the following?

My son told me that last year he was
"tweaking" and fell asleep on an
interstate south of our metro area.
His vehicle crashed into a light
poll but he was not injured
(another miracle). The highway patrol
trooper who responded to the accident
found evidence that could have
resulted in three felonies being
filed. However, the trooper told my
son if he would be totally truthful
and tell him everything he knows
about drug dealers etc. no charges
would be filed.

My son said he gave the trooper
great details about everything and
no charges were ever filed.

As a parent, I am not pleased with
this policy. First, the law was
broken, it's the trooper's sworn
duty to file charges. And by not
filing the charges, my son is
allowed to go back to his deadly
abuse of drugs and continue to rob
and steal to sustain his addiction.
In addition, my son told me that
all the people he "snitched" on
would eventually put two and two
together and come after him.

Now, I ask you, if you were that
trooper and your son was addicted
to drugs and you happened on this
same scene, would you let your
son go back to doing his drugs and
crime? Would you put his very life
at risk and those of others?

I am still a work in progress.

Thanks for your posts.

In prayer for all our children
and their families.

Be Prepared!

2012-01-13T15:29:00.000-08:00

We appreciate your response as they are very helpful
to my wife and I.

When you have a child addicted to meth who calls
you from their jail cell you will have no idea what
personality is on the other end. Be prepared!

We go from weird happy, to crying, to angry. I suppose
this is the emotional withdrawal from the drug and/or
the early stages of PAWS
(Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome).

Our last conversation didn't end very well so my wife
and I sat down and discussed our possible responses
to his next call. I typed them up and we both had a copy
ready. However, his next call went well.

He is beginning to honor our boundaries regarding his
continuing requests to be bailed out. In fact, in his last
call he indicated that jail is the best place for him.

The county he is in is a small rural area and they allow
the inmates out to work on various city projects. He
was assigned to the rodeo arena and helped repair the
cattle shoots. He was told by the other inmates that
the sheriff messed up because inmates aren't allowed
outside if there is a hold on them from another county.
He was elated to be out of his cell. First time we had
heard him that happy in years! :)

We would like to begin planning what types of encouraging
statements and/or questions we might ask that would
provoke a positive response on how to begin recovery
while in jail. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I guess what I am thinking is, if he asked us to
send him literature like the Big Book of AA or the Recovery
Bible etc, then we would be OK with that.

What do you think?

In prayer for all of our children.

Doing the right thing "BUT".....

2012-01-06T08:14:00.000-08:00

I was so hoping that the olive branch
we offered (money on jail account)
our son would open the doors of
communication regarding a plan of
recovery. However, what we hear with
each phone call is fear, desperation
followed by manipulation for bail
money. Always bail money.

He is now becoming aware that the
consequences are mounting and he is
looking at some serious jail time.

His primary thoughts are ones of
attempts to manipulate and/or to out
smart the system and his parents.
His goal is a form of jail "harm
reduction." That goal being to get
out, use again but next time be
smarter. If necessary, he would do
a treatment program if that would
accomplish the goal of a lesser
sentence!

This idea of talking with our son at
this time is difficult. Even with so
much time spent pursuing our own
recovery, educating ourselves plus
our nineteen years of experience --
it is still an unexplainable heartache
to hear the voice of a drowning child
slowly dying from this deadly disease.

Why is it so hard to say what must be
said?

When we say, "Son, we love you but we
cannot provide you an attorney or bail
money"we feel like we are slowly letting
go of the rope attached to his life raft
watching with regret and guilt as his
life is taken from us by the addiction
rapids and plunged over the edge of the
waterfall to perish for all eternity.

Too dramatic? I wish I could record the
calls and post for all to hear.

We know we are doing the right thing but
it just feels so ________ (We know you
can finish this sentence!).

Prayers continue for our child and your
child.

Always Twists & Turns!

2011-12-30T07:59:00.001-08:00

I am reading a book by Dr. Mary Holley, M.D. entitled,
"Crystal Meth: They Call It Ice." This book is absolutely
priceless as it details what our son is experiencing as
he detoxes from meth. This has allowed us to prepare a
better response to requests he makes of us that are not
in his best interest of recovery.

If you or any of your friends are dealing with meth
addiction I suggest reviewing her excellent Web site at
http://www.mamasite.net. In addition, she has support
groups all over the country for families dealing
specifically with meth addiction.

Our son continues to ask us for an attorney and we have
consistently reiterated, with love, that we feel this is
not an option for us.

In fact, the last time he called I was reading the Dr's book
and she said that jail was the only place a "meth"
addict can regain some of his brain back. In any other
environment, including a formal treatment program, the
cravings will overpower him. She goes into great medical
details which backs up her statement.

I have learned so much about stealing copper and how
one operates day to day as a meth addict. As a student
of addiction, I have been given rare insight by an addict
and as a father I am as sad as a father could be.

At the present time he appears much more concerned
about being transferred to our county jail. He says that
the difference is like the Waldorf Astoria to a Motel 6!

I pray he will be in "protective custody" for several months.

I was thinking about asking him if he would share his
experiences of jail and addiction on a blog, anonymously,
of course. I was thinking this would be both interesting and
educational to many families.

What do you think?

Happy New Year!

The Second Gift Arrived!

2011-12-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

My second gift arrived on December 18th.
It was an attempted phone call from my
son who was arrested in another county
for possession of CDS, drug
paraphernalia and numerous traffic
charges. Of course, there is a hold on
him for charges in our county also.

I didn't answer his call because I
wasn't prepared. We haven't talked
with him in months and I just didn't
know what to say at that moment.

Well, what to do? I called our
counselor and he said to answer his
calls. I was advised not to give
any advice, no questions, no
statements expressing either direct
or indirect resentments, fear and
anger. I am simply to give him
encouragement and express his
family's love, prayers and
continued hope for his recovery.

I knew that I wasn't going to
bail him out or provide an
attorney but what if he asks
for some money for the jail's
commissary? The counselor said
to send a small amount, as this
would indicate that we still
support him and it would express
hope for his future recovery.
OK, I guess!

I answered his next call and he
was highly emotional but I was
prepared for that. I allowed him
to cry, I remained silent. He
told me how sad he was and he was
so sick of his life of drugs. I
informed him we were sending some
money; he was elated. I told him
his family knows he will find the
strength to overcome his addiction.
He indicated his gratitude for
our continued love and support.
It was a good conversation.

His second call came a few days
later and was quite different. He
was calm and accepting of his
situation. Now, by accepting, I
mean it's business as usual. jail
is just normal! He soon asked
if it might be possible for us to
provide bail and a lawyer. I
violated the counselor advice and
responded that it would be in his
best interest to be totally
transparent with the judge(s) and
tell them he is a chronic meth
addict who desperately seeks
admission to the drug court. I
further stated that he should be
willing to face his legal
consequences, including a lengthily
jail stay and when released, walk
to the Salvation Army and begin
their recovery program.

I was surprised that I stated this
so calmly and I reiterated his
family support should he be
willing to accept recovery.

This is his fifteen time to be in a
county jail. You would think I
would be an expert in conversing
with my addicted child by this
time, wouldn't you?

My counselor last comment was
reminding me that addiction is a
brain disease and that it is more
powerful than my son's love for
his family, more powerful than
logic and reason, more powerful
than the pain it creates in his
life.

What the counselor couldn't answer
is what will break the hold
addiction has on him!

Our prayers for your child and we
wish you and your family a very
Merry Christmas.

A Special Gift!

2011-12-16T08:31:00.000-08:00

My son's court date was December 8th and I
prayed that he would not appear and a
warrant for his arrest would be issued.

My prayer was answered and now I have
prayed that he will be "rescued" and
placed in "protective custody" soon.

My next prayer will be that the judge
will sentenced him to an extended stay and
that during this time he will accept God
fully and find his moment of clarity.

I was with my daughter and wife Christmas
shopping last weekend and I turned to my
daughter and announced my exciting news
about her brother. She responded to my
exciting news by saying, "Why can't you
just let it go, let - it - GO!" My wife
would later tell me that my daughter's
eyes swelled with tears.

I felt very uncomfortable that I created
that emotion in her. I should know
better than to bring her brother up. She
has made it quite clear (numerous times)
she want's nothing to do with his life.
I have never been able to break through
her wall of silence and uncover what her
inner feelings are. She has refused
counseling and/or Al-Anon.

Well, this is Christmas and our family
will focus on the birth of Christ and
be thankful for all we do have.

We have many family gatherings as well
as so many friends. We have so much to
be grateful for.

I am very grateful to all of you, as
well. Thankful for your sharing and
support.

My continued prayers for you and your
loved one.

The Quite Inner Voice

2011-12-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

What I need is what you all have given, you
have given me a better understanding of
what I am confronted with. A better
prospective and permission to confront my
issue with my relationship with my
addicted son on my own terms without
criticism and/or judgement. Who else could
give me that?

I have been beaten up rather severely over
the past nineteen years that I have dealt
with my son's addiction. I learned the hard
way to look for fresh insight from those
more experienced than I.

Addiction always dealt me a new hand and
the deck was always stacked against me. I
am just a father who loves his son, who
misses him and who wants to be in the
best position to help him defeat his
disease.

I really needed to hear what the addicted
mind is thinking and BMelonsLemonade gave
me great insight. Thanks so much.

One of past counselors, in an attempt to
help me break free of my enabling ways
(my addiction to my son), said this to me,
"For just a moment let's say your worst
fear did come true and your son lost his
battle to overcome his addiction;now, as
you stand over him at the funeral to say
your final goodbye will you be at peace
with yourself in knowing you did all you
could or will you agonize for the rest of
your life knowing you helped the disease
end his life?"

This question caught me completely off
guard and I sat there for what seemed
like an eternity contemplating my
emotions as I reflected on the question.
This counseling session would later
serve as my first breakthrough in seeing
my actions as unhealthy, if not outright
harmful.

My birthday came and went without any
message from my son. This is not like him
at all, regardless of the level the
disease may have taken him he always
remembered family members birthdays. He
would always call, even if he was a day
or so late.

I can't answer what my "quite inner
voice" will say when he does call but I
do know, at some point, I will get a
call.

How do you prepare, not knowing what has
transpired over the many months or
possibly years that may pass before I
receive a call?

Thanks again and continued prayers for all those
who struggle with this disease.

Merry Christmas!

Addiction never stops punishing a parent!

2011-11-28T14:12:00.000-08:00

I very much appreciate everyone's responses.

I do take advice from my fellow bloggers so I immediately read the chapter in
The Big Book of AA entitled, "The Family Afterward" (thanks Syd).

The author gave sage advice, he stated, "Let families realize, as they start
this journey, that all will not be fair weather." That statement made me pause
and realize that addiction is a journey and what I am experiencing is just a
"phase" of the disease of addiction. At least, I pray it is just another phase.

He continues by reminding me, "There will be alluring shortcuts and by-paths
down which they may wander and lose their way." I understand and when I
use to follow my son along these paths I felt so connected to him and his
struggle with the disease. I truly felt I was doing him good by making sure
he found his way back. I no longer do that now. Will he be able to find his own
way back?

There were twenty-one family members at my Mother-in-laws this Thanksgiving.
It was a true blessing and I am very grateful to be associated with such a
loving family.

However, not one family member asked about my son. I was prepared to
answer any questions with a simple response such as, "The disease of
addiction still has him imprisoned and we pray for him frequently
throughout the day. We would appreciate your prayers also."

My son didn't call either and like I have mentioned before, this is unusual
but I am slowly being trained by the disease not to expect any calls.

The disease continues to punish me. First, it creates incredible hardships
through continued chaos and once I maintained my boundaries, dealt with
acceptance and learned to "let go, let God" it punishes me with silence.
What is worse, the chaos or the silence? I don't know the answer to that
yet.

I do know that you are with me on this journey and you understand.

I also know that you are praying for my son as I pray for you and your child.

Desperate!

2011-11-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to have a relationship with your child
who is actively using?

Can you actually "love" "that" child with their bond
with addiction that follows them wherever they go?

If so, what would that relationship look like. Where would
You draw the line? What boundaries would you set.

Is this a possibility? Has anyone been successful?

If my child was clean and living in a homeless shelter
I could love him. I could accept him as he is. He would
be welcomed into our home and treated with respect and
dignity. If he was clean.

I desperately want a relationship with my son but how
would I do that with a son who is addicted to meth and
continues to use?

A Mature and Responsible Addicted Adult

2011-11-12T14:10:00.000-08:00

First, I want to thank each of for your responses to my last post. They were all helpful.

We read repeatedly that addiction is a "baffling disease" and this is becoming even more evident with my son.

I went online and noticed that he showed up for a court hearing on 11/01/11 on his most recent felony charges (see below).

10-05-2011 INFORMATION 2 68591075 Oct 7 2011 4:09:46:870PM - $ 0.00
DEFENDANT TSN WAS CHARGED WITH COUNT #2, POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED DANGEROUS SUBSTANCE//HYDROCODONE//SCHD III IN VIOLATION OF 63 D.S. 2-401-2-420 DEFENDANT TSN WAS CHARGED WITH COUNT #1, ENTERING A PREMISES WITH INTENT TO STEAL COPPER IN VIOLATION OF 21 D.S. 1702-1737

11-01-2011 CTARR - 739873 Nov 2 2011 8:55:37:103AM - $ 0.00
JUDGE HALL: DEFT APPEARS IN PERSON, OUT OF CUSTODY, WITHOUT COUNSEL. STATE NOT PRESENT. ARRAINGMENT HELD. DEFT WAIVES READING OF INFORMATION AND ENTERS A PLEA OF NOT GUILTY. MATTER SET FOR PRELIMINARY HEARING CONFERENCE ON 12-8-11 AT 9 AM BEFORE JUDGE L. JONES. BOND SET AT $5000

This is baffling because at no time in my memory has he ever even came close to being "responsible" when he was actively using drugs. In addition, I guess the legal system now trusts him to return on 12/8/11 even though he has a long history of failure to appear and numerous bench warrants issued for his arrests over the years.

What is going on here? Is it possible that my son is evolving into a mature and responsible drug user?

Where did he come up with the $5,000 for his bond? The last time he had that much money is when VISA sent him a credit card in the mail with a $5,000 dollar credit limit. He never even asked for it, it just arrived in the mail one day!

I am sure that many of you are envious of my parenting skills but perhaps one day you too will have a mature and responsible actively using addicted adult child. :)

The Secret!

2011-11-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

I would like your comments on the following blog post I submitted to our local paper. The editor of the paper asked me to write a blog about parents and their experiences with addiction.

This is a draft and not publish yet.

I would appreciate any help and I am OK with "honesty!" :)

The Secret

There's a little known secret that could all but eliminate some addiction issues in this country. That secret is compassion.

I am speaking of compassion with a little love and understanding for parent(s) who have a child using alcohol or other drugs.

This frightened parent may first appear in front of a school counselor as she is being informed of her child's suspension or perhaps the parent is standing next to her son as the juvenile judge discusses fines and community service requirements. These are just two examples where we can see the very beginning of the collapse of the family system and the birth of the disease of addiction.

The parents are buried in shame, secrets, silence, stigma and guilt and an already highly dysfuntional household is laden with additional stress. They are forced into deeper denial and secrecy which only supports addiction as it completes it's destructive process. All of society will eventually pay a very steep and severe price.

The simple and effective solution is to first establish compassion and understanding for the parent(s). Individuals and/or agency staff personal who are likely to be the first contact with parents dealing with their child's substance abuse who are formally trained could be instrumental in helping the family focus on the abuse of substances and not on the individual family members. In other words, attention will be directed at the true problem and not just the symptoms of the problem.

The next step is to provide the family with all the resources the community has to offer including connected and supportive mentors to lead them down the path of change. If this compassion can be the focus of schools, police, the juvenile system, and other local resources, the change can be accomplished. Punishment in the way of school suspension or legal burden is not in the best interest of anyone. A healthy change starts in the heart and stepping in the shoes of those who are caught in this situation.

As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

Giving up on my son

2011-10-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

I appreciated each post and learned some
more things about myself and my grieving
process.

It is important that my blog followers
understand that my wife and I have never
given up on our son. He is very aware we
have not given up on him. However, he
also understands that due to our own
recovery, through working the Twelve
Steps of Families Anonymous, means we
can no longer be involved either
directly or indirectly with his present
lifestyle.

He is aware that we are here to support
him when he is ready for recovery. He
has simply chosen his drugs over all
other things, like most late stage
addicted children do.

It has become apparent that it is
impossible for me to truly give up hope
for a son that I still love. However,
my hope is redefined in a way that
allows me not to place much hope on
hope. Therefore not allowing my
emotions and expectations to prohibit
my grieving process. I hope that makes
some sense but I am not sure it does.

I continue to pray for my son and your
child and know that they are safely in
God's hands.

The following is a link to a post on
Intervene on 10/20/2009 that speaks
directly to the pain we live with.
The numerous comments to her post
were heartbreaking to read but it
shows how devastating this disease
truly is.

http://intervene.drugfree.org/2009/10/a-mothers-love-and-hate-for-her-addicted-son

I have let go of Hope

2011-10-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

Our family tried so hard to maintain a relationship
with our son. The end of our relationship was
established when he left a message on our phone
saying, "You all will be better off without me." Well,
that was tough to hear. The message opened up
old wounds we thought were healed and created
some new ones.

I look back and see the history of our relationship
much clearer now. He was a joy to be around
during his clean stretches but the disease was
always present. I could sense the enemy's
presence and in my subconscious I knew our
relationship would have to end once again. The
good news was, in time, he would choose to
attempt recovery again and we could once more
build a father son relationship, just like before.
that was my hope then but not now.

This time is different, addiction is a progressive
disease and the message he left was a clear
indication that this separation will very likely be
permanent. This time he left no cell number,
no address where we could mail him a card and
unlike in the past, he has not left us any
messages on our voice mail. This time no friend
has called and told us of his whereabouts or
welfare. No angry messages from landlords or
abused girlfriends. The only sign of life is his
felony warrants displayed on the Internet.

Some will say there is always hope but I have
chosen to no longer hold on to hope simply
because it has never lived up to meeting my
expectations. Hope has only drawn be closer
to the disease only to disappoint me time after
time. It is not possible for me to accept my own
recovery and live a life of peace and serenity
while holding onto that elusive and for me,
forbidden hope.

My recovery depends on me letting go of
whatever anger is left. I must let go fully of all
expectations and mourn the son that was not
to be.

I can not complete the grieving process and hold
on to hope.

I can not "let go, let God" and hold on to hope.

I can not complete acceptance and hold on to hope.

Hope is up to God and I will have no more to do with hope.

In continuous prayer for all of us and our children.

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING...........

2011-10-14T14:46:00.001-07:00

I checked online and found that my son has two felony
warrants. One for possession of hydrocodone // schd
III drug and the second charge is for intent to break
and enter for the purpose of stealing copper. That is
how the charges are worded on the state court docket
Web site.

A Mom who reads my blog sent me an email sharing
that her nephew was addicted to meth until age 35!
She indicated he was in and out of jail, homeless and
most of his teeth had rotten out etc. I was getting a
little depressed until she said that he found recovery,
graduated college and has a new set of teeth! Wow,
yes, there is hope for all of our children regardless of
their age or level of addiction.

However, a couple days latter I was reading a journal
speaking of a recent study indicating that with late
stage chronic addiction to meth there was only a 20%
chance of recovery. Ouch! However, I guess that's
much better than ZERO!

My greatest stress actually comes in knowing that I
will be faced with another crisis. It's coming and I
know most of you understand. You get that doomsday
feeling deep in your gut. You have been there before
so it's like an automatic "parent addiction radar"
system flashing red with that automated voice in your
mind repeating, WARNING, WARNING, WARNING,
WARNING ...........................................................

I realize I do not have to deal with whatever crisis
occurs and I won't but that doesn't stop the feeling of
doom, of despair, and it doesn't quite the WARNING
alarm in my mind. I suppose the WARNING is for me
to have my sponsor's and counselor phone number
close at hand so the disease doesn't draw me back
into it's deadly grip.

I finished the book, "Opening Our Hearts. Transforming
Our Loses" (Al-Anon publication) and I recommend it
for anyone dealing with the grief that addiction brings
the family.

Here's a quote from the book that describe how I feel
about our blogging community. "It's our individual
uniqueness that makes it possible for us to learn from
one another."

As I face the future the book reminds me that I can
focus on today and that my fears of the future and all
the past no longer take precedent over my life as they
once did. I will focus on managing my thoughts and
actions today and continue to build the life that I
deserve to have.

In prayer for my child, your child and all the families
who suffer from the disease of addiction.

Addiction is a slow suicide!

2011-10-07T14:31:00.001-07:00

A new felony arrest warrant was issued on October 5th
for my son's arrest. The warrant also listed the name of
a woman. Of course, I am curious as to why two names
were on the same warrant. I have never seen this
woman's name before so what is going on? Perhaps they
were both charged with distribution and I suspect it will
be a meth charge, my Internet research indicates she
was arrested before on possession of meth in 2010.

I know, I know, I should stop researching the court dockets
for signs of my son. I can't help it, the good news is I am
not now nor will I ever be directly involved in the chaos again.
My recovery is strong in that regard. However, it is very
encouraging to know that he will soon be "rescued" once
again and once in "protective custody" perhaps he will have
his moment of clarity and turn his life over to God. If not,
then his addiction will continue down the path of a slow
suicide.

I received the book, "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our
Losses" this week and I am enjoying every page I read.

".....I empty myself of expectations and prepare to wait and
anticipate God's will for me. God has much better access to
my heart when it is open to inspiration, guidance, and
acceptance." Oh yes, so true and what is so meaningful to
me is the confirmation from the book of what I feel and know.
The book gives me additional strength to continue the grieving
journey and accept whatever the future may hold.

" I decided to share my fairy-tale family dream with God,
placing that dream in His hands. I then asked God to make us
the family He wanted us to be, instead of the family I wanted
us to be. Letting go of that unrealistic dream and allowing God
to be in charge freed me from my sense of responsibility for the
success or failure of my family." Wow! Yes God, I am willing, so
very, very willing now.

Thank you all for this book.

My continued prayers for your child.

You all will be just fine without me.

2011-09-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

I immediately ordered the book, "Opening
our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses"
from Al-Anon. I appreciate Syd
recommendation and all of you who
confirmed this was a valuable tool.

Life would be much more difficult without
our blogging community!

I can't get my son's parting words out of
my mind which he left on our voice mail.
He said, "You all will be fine without me."
He didn't say this in a mean spirited way,
nor was he emotional. It was just matter
of fact stated. That was many, many
months ago. Sad, so very sad.

I read on another blog the term,
"addiction career." I had never heard that
term before but that certainly describes
where my son is.

No one talks about him anymore. No one
asks any questions. It is as if he never
lived.

As a summary, we have been dealing with his
substance abuse since he was 16, he turned
35 earlier this month. He is addicted to
cocaine, meth and I suspect whatever drug is
available. He is single and no children. I
believe he is stealing copper to support his
addiction as he alluded to that in a
conversation from jail about five months ago.

Like your child, he was smart and well liked.
He never had to study and always made good
grades until later in high school when the
drugs took over.

He was an incredible golfer. His golf coach
told me he had never seen a kid with such a
natural swing. There was no doubt he would
have received a golf scholarship for college.
However, even if that didn't happen we had
saved for his college.

Today, I only remember him in his soccer or
football uniform. Of course, later when golf
became his passion I watched him win
tournaments all over or state. I own my own
business so I was fortunate to be able to
take off and follow him, taking pictures
and giving high five's etc.

I remember the hugs and him thanking us for
being the best parents any kid could have.
He was so happy then. So much to live for
and then the drugs.

Where is that Al-Anon book?

I appreciate your prayers and pray daily
for your child.

Ideas for Grieving the Loss

2011-09-23T14:44:00.001-07:00

It was suggested I read, "On Death and Dying"
by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M. D. to assist me in
dealing with my own grief over the loss of my
son, not his physical death but the death of the
child of my dreams.

This was a very interesting book and dealt in an
area I was nor familiar with. The interviews the
doctor did with terminally ill patients and their
families were very insightful in understanding the
stages of grief. I simply applied the information and
logic to my personal situation and found it to be
very helpful.

if any of you have found other books and/or Web
sites helpful in understanding the grieving process
of "the child of your dreams," please let me know.

We have not heard a word about our son and the
longer the silence lasts the harder we work on our
issues of fear.

I feel we have been through the "three stages" of
parenting an addicted child. The first stage is where
we intervened frequently; we enabled and began our
unhealthy attachment to our son. As one author
stated, "First our child becomes addicted and then
we become addicted to our child."

The "second stage" is where we educated ourselves
and used resources like counselors and support
groups. Of course, we still did some enabling during
this stage but we were making good progress on our
own recovery. At this stage we were still very hopeful
our son would "get it" and life would return to some
sort of normalcy.

Now we are in the third stage, this stage is focused
on the grieving of the loss of our son and the
acceptance of our new reality.

Do you understand what we are dealing with? We could
use some of your experiences and/or resources.

Continued prayers for all our children.

My Fear Never Leaves Me!

2011-09-13T09:27:00.001-07:00

First, my apology to Topper for
forgetting to respond to her
question about the book, "Prison
to Praise, Power in Praise," by
Merlin R. Carothers.

The central theme of the author's
message is the acceptance of
what we experience in this life
fits perfectly in God's plan.

I would have to say that in
reading his book one should be
a mature Christian and open to
the revelation of the truth he
speaks of. He goes into great
detail on why evil exist and
makes valid points backed up by
scripture. It was important for
me to read 'all' the book so
that I could fully embrace the
overall magnitude of his message
as it relates to my relationship
with God.

The book opened my eyes to a new
understanding and it allowed me
to be more accepting of my
situation with my son. I was ready
for his message and through
prayer I have a much better
acceptance and understanding of
the will of God. I feel more peace
but I am still a work in progress.

The book has been mailed to another
parent. However, if anyone would
like the book just email me your
mailing address to
vjforrecovery@aol.com and I will
send it to the parent; the parent
indicated they would mail it to you.

I went online and found out that
there is some activity from the DA's
office and it appears that a warrant
will be issued for my son. I am
praying that is so. Jail is simply the
only safe alternative to his present
lifestyle. Lifestyle? Perhaps a better
description would be the society in
which he dwells or is this society
considered a separate civilization?

One of the parents in my support group
became very emotional last night as
she described her various emotions as
she sat next to her son who was in
intensive care due to an overdose. The
doctor told her not to expect her son
to live (he did live). The Mom called
several members of our group who
stopped what they were doing and went
to be with her in the hospital.

I was told of the situation and prayed
for her and her son but I did not go
to the hospital. I should have went.

These parents are all very special to
me as they know my pain and fear like
no one else can which includes my
daughter, sister, extended family and
friends. If my son ends up in the
hospital and is not expected to live
I would want my support group there
with me.

My fear never leaves me. It is my
constant companion. It is the one last
element left to defeat.

The Notice

2011-09-04T13:45:00.001-07:00

The notice arrived last Friday indicating that my son
was admitted to the ER on August 20th. The notice
indicated that he had been turned down for financial
assistance and they requested he send in his
payment of $787.62 at his earliest convenience.

Who but a parent of an addicted child would see this
as good news? He is alive!

I shared the good news with my wife as we drove
home from work and she said nothing. She sat in
silence looking out the window (I knew this was my
signal to shut up!) and when we came to a stop light
she looked at me and with tears rolling down her
cheek she said, "I do not want to know anymore or
discuss it now."

My friend Annette
(http://journeyofrecoverysearchforserenity.blogspot.com)
who sent me her Mother's book entitled,
"Prison to Praise, Power in Praise," by Merlin R.
Carothers that I spoke of in my post of August 9th has
given me permission to share one of her recent thoughts
she emailed me. She said, (in speaking of her child)
"She wants to get well, but is afraid to get well. If her
identity of being the wild drug addict daughter is gone,
then who is she? The requirements might be too much
...get a job, go to school, work on her anger....my girl is
afraid. Afraid to live and afraid to die, caught in this
horrifying purgatory." That, to me, really sums up the
addictive mind of my son. I felt somewhat relieved as I
read that, sad for her daughter but it reinforced
permission for me to work harder at letting go with love, of
acceptance. Her statement reminded me that I have no
power over the disease of addiction. I must allow God to
do what I have no power over. Does that makes sense?

I think I should make it clear to my fellow travelers
that my son was encouraged by his Mother and I to keep
in contact with us. We wanted to assure him that he was
always welcomed to call us. Again, he knows he is loved,
forgiven and welcomed back into our family when he is
ready for recovery.

I have finished reading the book Annette sent me and I
wish to send it to anyone who is needing to discover a new
Christian perspective on how to understand and deal with
difficult and/or unexplainable situations in which we
encounter in this life.

I have accepted the author's message. It gave me a greater
sense of understanding and a new path to secure my own
recovery.

If you would like the book email me at vj4recovery@aol.com

In prayer for my son and your child.

The question, the pause, the answer, the fear.

2011-08-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

I am in an unfamiliar place in my recovery journey.
The detachment with love phase.

For the first time ever I have not heard from my son
either directly or indirectly for over two months.

I called my counselor and asked if she would have lunch
with me. She agreed and after the usual small talk I
asked the question I already knew the answer to.

Remember the warning, "Don't ask the question if you
don't want to hear the answer?" Well, this is why it is
good advice:

Me: I am wondering about the progressive nature of the
disease. Our son has not been heard from since
June 8th and this is quite unusual. In the past we would
always know something, either directly or indirectly.
What do you think?

Note: There is an uncomfortable pause as she stares
directly at me. The restaurant was full but I could not
hear anything, total silence.

Counselor: VJ, I'm sorry but this is not a good sign.

Me: What do you mean?

Counselor: It means he has fallen deeper into his
addiction.

A renewed sense of fear sweeps over me.

I am learning that this is a frightening experience.

A very sad and lonely place, this place called,
detachment.................with love.

I always thought that once I made it to this stage I would
feel a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of success.

I don't feel successful, quite the opposite.

I have noticed that I have begun to lose my obsession
for my son, perhaps it is only natural to feel this way
after so many years. This is a good sign.

I know to free myself from my past self-destructive
behavior I must detach. There is my son and then there is
his disease. I detach from the disease but I still love my
son.

Isn't that the way to look at it?

There is something else that bothers me. When I explained
my boundaries with my son he may have took this to mean
a separation instead of our detaching with love from his
disease. In other words, as my literature would say,
I built a wall.

In detaching I am told I am accepting my son exactly as he is.

Does he remember he is loved, forgiven and welcomed back into
the family, once he accepts recovery? Did I not communicate this
properly?

At the end of my conversation with my counselor she told me that
in her 25+ years of working with families she cannot think of one
that was more loving, educated and supportive than mine.

Recovery means freeing myself of this guilt and her statement
was very helpful.

When would parents of an addict file a missing person report?

Prayers for my son and for your child.

Acceptance Before Understanding!

2011-08-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

I ran across an interesting statement in the book I was
sent by my fellow traveler and friend, it said, "Acceptance
comes before understanding." Wow! What a revelation to
me. I was always focused on just the opposite,
understanding then acceptance. That has been one of my
difficulties, to understand all that "is" so I could go forward
with acceptance and detaching with love.

Acceptance is very hard work. I have to focus on change
and to understand my relationship with God during such
a difficult challenge. Recovery is truly a spiritual journey but
I really didn't understand the full truth of that particular
part of my recovery until I committed myself to do the hard work
it takes. I now have periods of peace and serenity but it is
often fleeting. Peace and serenity slips through my hands like
a balloon which I lost hold of and I helplessly watch it float towards
the sky. I then have to blow up another balloon only to see
it disappear again into the heavens.

I attended an incredible support group meeting last night.
They invited the AA Public Information Chair and the District
Bridge the Gap Chair (this Bridge the Gap program is a
committee that reaches out to alcoholics just out of treatment
to get them to their first meeting of AA). There were five
participants and each one took ten minutes to explain the
different aspects of the AA program.

One participant was a 19 year old alcoholic in recovery. Her
topic was "Getting sober from a child's perspective." This
was a very emotional presentation for her, as well as
the parents in the audience. I had never heard anyone
express themselves in such realistic terms in regards to their
inner feelings as the disease continued to take more and more
of her away from all those who loved her.

I have a greater compassion and understanding of my son
after hearing her talk.

Next was a father who spoke of his experience with his
alcoholic son. He was an excellent speaker and in recovery
himself. I related to his story so well. The one aspect that really
hit home with me was when he said, " My son was living in a
vacant field and he called me saying he was very hungry. I told
him he could come home for the night. I fixed him his favorite
dinner and we had a wonderful conversation. The next morning I
took him back to the field." He stopped talking and you could see
the tears forming in his eyes, his voiced cracked and he said the
sight of seeing his son walk back into that field still haunts
him but then he said,"You see, I knew I was not in control
and I gave him back to God. My son has now been in recovery for
eight years." The room exploded in applause and cheers.

In prayer for my child and yours.

The Death Of A Dream

2011-08-09T13:59:00.001-07:00

I am humbled, once again, for all your comments
and I have taken each one to heart.

yaya's book recommendation of "The Power in
Praise" by Corathers was greatly appreciated and
I was about to order it when another parent emailed
me saying she would mail me the copy her Mother
had. Her Mother just passed away. I have been
reading her blog for sometime now but for her to give
me her Mom's book and to know the story behind
it made be absolutely speechless. I am reminded
just how close all of us really are to one another.

I have had others send me their phone numbers
and welcomed me to call them whenever I needed
to. That is simply priceless. As I mentioned in my
last post I am not very comfortable sharing my
honest emotions in person or even on the phone.
However, the offers of support made a huge impact
on me.

I called a counselor I knew several years ago (she
has sense moved out of state) and asked her what
her experience was with parents in my situation. In
particular I asked what other parents found to be
the most successful. As she talked I took notes and
here are my notes.

Social and therapeutic support in dealing with grief.

This life is temporary - meet them in the next life -
belief in God

Acceptance

Work through your emotional pain with counselor.

You have done your part so feel good about yourself.

Evaluate what you can control.

You don't see very much about grieving the child of
your dreams because of denial and you expect
Al-Anon to help in this area.

Open door to redemption

I think the one thing that helped me the most is when
she told me that, "You have done your part, so feel
good about yourself."

Why should I give the disease the pleasure in watching
me suffer. I do feel good about myself, I did everything
I could have possibly done.

sydney brought to light where my deepest pain lies and
that is accepting "The death of a dream."

I think if I was to ever write a book I would title it
"The Death of a Dream."

My wife and I sit on the edge of our bed each morning
and evening and pray. We embrace one another and ask for
healing for all of our children. We no longer pray just
for our son but for all the children and their families.

Blessings to each of you.

The Hidden Tears of a Father!

2011-08-01T08:13:00.001-07:00

Yes, how I accept the truth of addiction is a key part
of my recovery. I must accept and be willing to deal
with the possibility of his death. To come to terms
with my denial and progress to acceptance; to detach
with love is the freedom to gain back my life I lost so
long ago. This is the foundational tenets of my support
group and Families Anonymous.

However, if I were to simply say, "I accept that my son
may die" and I say that stating it simply as a fact takes
my humanness away, it leaves me without a heart and
soul. You see, I have more than facts to deal with. I
posses a special and unique love that only a father can
posses, a father who loves his son so deeply that
accepting "facts" serves no purpose, no benefit in
accepting the loss of my son.

I have a son who was never allowed to grow up emotionally,
mentally or spiritually due to his disease. I still envision
him as a child. That is my problem, to let go of the
child that was and accept the child that is.

I am only now coming to understand the full impact of our
journey together.

I am alone even though I am surrounded by family and
friends. I cannot share my feelings of loss with anyone.
I should but I won't, I can't. There are expectations of
me "as a man." A male who would be afraid of losing
others respect if I shared my true feelings. If I showed
weakness. What if I broke down and cried?

I struggle with acceptance and detachment. My son's brain
has been altered and he is not in control of rational
thinking and his addictive thought processes's is a mental
disorder that will eventually lead to a disastrous end.
He is a cocaine/meth addict! He is 35!

I share with you. I feel comfortable with you ...... "on my blog."

I am scared.

I am sad.

I am heartbroken.

I am not brave.

I want my son back.

I continued to seek God's strength as I pray for my son, for
me and for your child. May God have mercy on us all.

Say this, not that!

2011-07-26T11:44:00.001-07:00

"Say this, not that!" This is the title of a new
book I would like to write. The book is to be
given to family and friends so that they can
understand what to say and what is best not said
to parents of a child who suffers from the disease
of addiction.

The book idea came to me after I attended my
mother-in-law's eighty-third birthday party. Her
home was filled with fifty to sixty members of her
family and friends.

My son's situation is no secret to anyone. However,
only one individual asked my about my son. This
individual is my wife's cousin and his daughter
was addicted to oxycontin, She is in her mid
twenties and has served time in state prison for
dealing drugs and falsifying prescriptions. She has
been clean for about a year now. He and his wife
had a very difficult road with their daughter. They
were featured on the Dr. Phil show a couple years
ago. Our families have been very close and shared
a lot over the years.

It's interesting to see the change in parent's whose
children are clean; there attitudes are so vastly
improved and they just seem full of hope and joy.
He talked a great deal about their new plans to
move to Colorado and retire. He spoke of his other
children and how well life has treated them and then
he asked about my son. "How is your son doing?"
I responded that I had not heard from him in a very
long time but that we were doing well. I told him
that we continued to go to our Families Anonymous
meetings and we speak to our counselor on occasion
and so on. He then said this, "You know that we are
still very active with the Celebrate Recovery Program
at our church. Do you remember me telling you about
our physician's son?" I said "no,I don't recall that."
he goes on and says, "Well, he was addicted to meth
and they found him dead in front of a home in the
Southern part of the city. He was thirty-two." "Oh! I
am so very sorry to hear that."

Well, I guess you can see where the title of my book
came form! My son is thirty-five and addicted to meth. He
lives in that same part of town. I would have preferred
that this individual's death not be brought to my attention
and it would have meant so much more to me if he would
have told me that his daughter is proof that recovery is
possible for anyone regardless of the depth the disease
may take them. In addition, I would have preferred he told
me that he and his wife would pray for my son. And that he
and his wife would actually do that!!!!

Yes, I know he didn't understand his comment was
inappropriate for me to hear and I do not hold this
conversation against him.

Have you had a similar conversation that you felt was hurtful
or am I being too sensitive?

In prayer for all of our children.

A room and a truck!

2011-07-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

I continue to think about my son.

It doesn't appear any amount of 12
step work or consultations with my
counselor or sponsor prevents my
concern, my fear.

It is better now, much better. I
do sleep all night and my first
thoughts when I awake are not always
of my son.

I cannot remove from my mind his
words to me when I encouraged him
to work with the advocate and
accept recovery. He responded,
"I have a room and a truck."

The mind of an addicted child is
so sad. His words pretty much
summed up his life. His diseased
mind is thinking, I am OK now as
I have a place to stay &
transportation. What more could
an addicted brain want?

This again reminds me of the story
about the alcoholic who falls from
a thrity story building and as he
passes each floor he says, "So far,
so good, so far, so good, so far so
good ..........."

I know his body will eventually wear
out. I read this usually happens in
their late thirties. But then what?
What happens to a worn out crystal
meth addicted person whose body is
worn out?

The evil of this disease is beyond
a parents ability to truly comprehend.

Another father wrote in a recent blog,
"We have every right to grieve and
this is another important step toward
our own recovery and a future life of
meaning. This realization that you
have the right to grieve the loss of
the child of your dreams gives back
your peace and serenity. You deserve
that."

Yes, I do deserve that.

And then he said, "It feels very
unnatural to grieve the loss of a child
that is still alive: combine that with
the fact that society doesn't see an
addicted child a valid reason to mourn.
These two issues is why we keep our
tears hidden. Our soul shrinks and we
fall into the misery of helplessness
where there is no possibility of
enjoying life. That is hell on earth!
I lived in that hell for a very long time."

I seemed to float in and out of this
description, that hell. Perhaps that is
progress and I will someday make it to
a solid foundation of peace and serenity.

Note: quotes are from permission of Dad 4
Truth at
http://www.canyouacceptthetruth.blogspot.com

In daily prayer for my son and your child.

Knowing then what I know now............

2011-07-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

I would have given a much greater value to those times
when he was clean and sober. I would have spent quality
time with him instead of using that precious time to
wallow in fear, worry and resentments. I would not have
been his "warden" but a father who loves him. A
father that was willing to hug him. I would have
look him in the eyes and said, "I love you."

I would have been open and honest about my son's
addiction with family, friends and others. I would have
been truthful with them on how I feel and how they
could support our family.

I would have went to a alcohol/drug counselor at the
first signs of substance abuse. And I would actually do
what she told me to do!

I would have sent my son to an inpatient program much
sooner than I did. I would have made sure the program
focused on addiction, trauma and psychiatric issues,
not just "addiction."

I would have attended Al-Anon and Families Anonymous
meetings. I would have read all their literature, secured
a sponsor and worked the steps.

I would have attended open AA meetings.

I would have went online and found support on parent
blogs.

I would have sought out help in grieving the loss of the
"child of my dreams."

I would have educated myself "fully" on the disease of
addiction.

I would have sought help in understanding how to
communicate appropriately with my wife and daughter.

I would live a life free of guilt and be mindful of the gift
of life. I would have enjoyed life with my wife, daughter
and friends.

I would not have closed God out of my life. I would have
asked for His forgiveness and His strength to endure.

In prayer for my child and your child.

A letter to our son's advocate.

2011-07-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

Bob wasn't about to give up on our son and had other
ideas to discuss. However, we can no longer
participate, so we sent him this letter which he never
responded to.

Again, it indicates two very important points to my wife
and I, (1) only parents of an addicted child can relate
to our decisions and (2) we have to be on guard or we
will be drawn back into the insanity.

Hey Bob,

I had some free time here so I thought I would do a
little rambling about our son and your experience
at his place of residence.

As I recall my history with my son, I can remember
so many times I have spent days and weeks driving
all over the city trying to find him. I would stop at
convenience stores and show the clerks or mangers
his picture and ask if they had seen him. They
would just look at me like I was nuts, as if they
would tell me the truth, even if they knew it, then just
shake their heads.

Once I found someone who knew where my son was.
The deal was I would give him $300 cash and he
would see to it that the dealer would instruct my son
to be at this gas station at a particular time. The
deal came off and myself and a friend attempted to
kidnap him and drive out of state to wherever. That
didn't go over well. Did you know it's against the
law to kidnap someone even if it's in their best
interest? :)

There have been other times I have hired private
investigators to work some kind of magic and/or
do an intervention.

Several times when he was living in Tx I would get
a call from one of his "sober" friends that he was
back in a crack house and they had done
everything to talk him out but all he would say
through the door was, "I'm not ready." Once, when
he was high and hallucinating, he ran across a
street and was hit by a car and taken to the ER.
I say once but actually that happened numerous
times. I think he has been in some ER here in the
metro 3 to 5 times since he returned.

Once, when he relapsed from that program in NM
he found a drug house and stole money, drugs and
a cell phone from the dealer and he called me while
hiding in some bushes while the drug gang was
looking for him. Now that was the wildest call I can
remember from him. I listened as I heard voices in
the background and the rumbling of bushes and
then I heard the sound of my son running and the
phone went dead. Imagine that call !

Oh, the stories I could tell, I could go on and on.

I should write a book but even parents of your
"average" addicted child wouldn't believe it!!!!!!

You see, we don't have an average addicted
child, we went way past average years ago.

Of course, there were many times I (we) were
successful at rescuing him and he would get
clean for a few months but end right back at the
crack house.

Bob, this has been an on going scenario for
twenty years.

To think of my son is living in yet another drug
house is heart breaking.

Let me finish this by saying we know your passion
for our son and other men like him, we know you
would do anything to help but here is the hard part,
there is nothing you or any human can do. The
court has no power over his disease. Even if he felt
like his drug life was threatened to the point he went
to another rehab there is an almost a certainty that
he will relapse. He is not ready, not willing for
recovery.

We want to thank you but it's time to allow the natural
consequences to take it's course. We are worn out
and just can't, for our own health and sanity, dragged
back into the chaos of the disease and drain us again
of all our emotions.

The only thing we can hope for is a miracle from God.
That is our daily prayer, a miracle! God is in control
and we will now give it all to him.

I see it this way, our son will be arrested again and this
time when he leaves the jail he can decide to go back
to the crack house or walk to the Salvation Army or the
Rescue Mission and work their recovery program. If he
truly has a willingness which will only come from a
forgiving and loving God, then he will accept recovery
and live the life God has given him.

We love you Bob, God bless you and your ministry.

In Christ,

VJ and Family

Back on the Streets!

2011-06-25T14:30:00.001-07:00

You may not be able to post a comment. There is
something wrong. I have tried numerous suggestions
and none have worked. You can email me at
vjforrecovery@aol.com and advise me of any issues
you are having with posting on my blog and perhaps
share any ideas about correcting this issue.

My son was released from protective custody at
1:15 AM last Thursday and left a message on my
office phone at 7:19 AM indicating that he would need
to wait a "couple of days" before going to treatment. He
had some business to take care of! He said he is sorry
for any inconvenience he has caused and to tell Bob he
was sorry for all the trouble he had caused him.

Bob asked for the caller ID number and when he called
it a woman answered and said she had never heard of
him.

He is back on the streets once again.

I truly didn't think another "typical" 90 day inpatient
program would be of any benefit. He simply isn't
"willing" and he told me treatment doesn't work
"for him."

He told the judge and everyone that he would immediately
go to treatment when released. He lied and this will not
be something the DA or judge will forget so if (when) he is
arrested again or fails to show up on his next schedule
hearing on 11/22/11 he will definitely be staying in
protective custody for a long time according to Bob and his
public defender. My prayer is he get's arrested today!

I was able to learn how he has been surviving. He told me he
lived on the streets for several months and then ran into an
old acquaintance. He said he was staying with her but now
rents a room from a family. She is bisexual and it was this
woman who went to the ER and a blood test revealed she is
HIV positive. My son's name was on her list of people she
was in contact with. That is why the state health department
contacted me reference the "infectious disease." My son
said he tested negative but knows he should be retested.

He indicated that he works for someone named Jess in the
tree trimming business but that this was an infrequent type
of employment and most of his time is spent "hustling." I
didn't need to ask what he meant by that, it doesn't matter
anyway.

It's all just part of the disease, a slow and painful death.

He told me that he was arrested because he told the truth.
He was driving his truck after taking a pill (Valium) and he
got very tired so he pulled over and parked "legally." However,
someone noticed he was asleep and called the police. While
he was being interviewed he answered every question
truthfully and the police officer was very nice and thanked him
for his cooperation so my son thought he would also tell the
officer that there was an arrest warrant for him for failure to
appear. He said he felt by being this honest and when the
officer found the outstanding warrant he might let him go.
However, the officer had already checked and there was no
warrant so he called into the police department and they did
another type search and sure enough, there was the warrant.
He said the officer actually apologized for having to arrest him.

This isn't working for us -- being pulled back into the chaos
and insanity of the disease set our recovery back to square one.
We are working on being stronger and working again through
the grief process and truly discovering what is necessary for our
full "acceptance" of the reality of this disease......."serenity to
ACCEPT the things I cannot change;......"

In prayer for my child and your child.

Normal Brain Functioning.......for me, PLEASE!

2011-06-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

Addiction can create such quick changes in ones attitude
and/or ideas. You go from knowing exactly what you
will do and then within hours, a day, you have a total
change of plans.

In my last post I mentioned my son was in protective
custody again for drug charges and how I was leaving
it to God.

I went to hear Dr. Harold Urchell, III, MD (author of
"Healing the Addicted Brain")speak last Wednesday.
I was invited by my counselor and we sat together.
There were 150 individuals in attendance and the great
majority were parents. I told my counselor my son was
in jail and told him I was just leaving it to God. Then I
asked, "If I were to write him what would be the most
helpful thing I could say at this point?" And before he
could answer, I said, "How about if I sent him one of my
picture cards with all the family, holidays and events
he has missed?" The counselor said that would be just
fine. Then I said, "Do you think I should go see him?"
then I quickly added, "As you know, my boundary has
been that I would never visit him in jail if it was drug
related." He responded, "Yes, I remember, go see him
if you feel this is something you need to do."

Then I hear some one yell out my name and I look up
and see a client who is also in a recovery ministry at
a local church. This person (I will call him Bob) also ran
a sober living home where my son once lived. We
visited and I mentioned my son being in protective
custody and he said he would like to go visit him. He
has some kind of special visitation rights due to his
ministry. He doesn't have to stand in line and jump
through all the hoops like regular folks.

He went the very next day and told me he thinks my
son is ready to accept recovery. In addition, Bob and
the District Attorney are friends and they go to church
together. Bob said he could work this out with the
courts and get my son into a new Christian based rehab
that started up last November. It is a ranch type setting
and is about an hour from our location. A ninety-day
rehab with a step-down program etc. The cost is $3,900.00
per month. Of course, I would need to bail him out
($6,000.00) and hire an attorney and do this and do that.

This was all happening so quick and everyone and
everything was pointing me in a direction I didn't feel
comfortable with. This includes my wife who simply said,
"Let's do it, it's time now. We need to do this for our son!"

Then I received a automated call on my cell informing me
my son is on the line and the next thing I hear is my son,
saying, "Dad, thanks for the card and Bob was here
yesterday, etc."-- then the automated voice comes back on
and tells me if I want to continue this call to start punching
in my credit card number. I immediately obey. It was like this
automated robot was some kind of authority figure. I
completely forgot I do not take calls from any type of jail
(protective custody, that is). I learned that every cell now
has a phone in it. I thought my son was joking but it's true.

Addiction is such a huge money machine for everyone but
the families of the addicted child.

I was not convinced that my son is interested in recovery.
I think the disease is simply looking for the easy way out
as it always is. I found myself going off about recovery,
prison, death, turning to God etc. and then he interrupts
me and asked to speak to his mom. That hurt, that made
me feel stupid.

It appears it will take many more years of recovery before
"I" will have any hope of normal brain functioning!

I told my wife we are moving way too fast and we are
beginning to lost track of our boundaries. We agreed to stop
and pray about the decisions we were making and to seek
other counselors input. So this is what the consensus said
-- We will not hire an attorney or bail our son out. In addition,
we will not intervene in any way with the court. However, at
any time our son wants to accept recovery we will pay for his
treatment program. But that's all, we will not pay for his truck
to be repaired or any other such expenses.

We could use more prayers.

Humbled by your posts!

2011-06-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

Your words comfort me. You understand me and I
need to be understood. And when I think of my
son, his (our) disease, my only source of serenity
is to be understood. The only place I am
understood is here, by my fellow travelers.

I never read any responses as someone who is
judging me. I only hear the words of another
parent who has suffered or is suffering as I have,
as I am now. They are sharing their inner most
feelings and experiences which enlighten me. I
am able to see a situation from another viewpoint
and that is priceless. It frees me to explore and
investigate. To have hope.

I think I could put together a letter to my sister by
taking the wisdom and experiences you shared
but as BMelonsLemonade pointed out, "You do
not owe anyone an explanation."

Then Tori reminded me, "You can't win."
Fractalmom said, "No one else get's it. Ever" and
Dad and Mom reiterated what I have heard so
often, "We cannot keep doing the same thing we
have been doing and no matter if he changes or
not we must change. It doesn't mean we don't
love him. In fact to do this we must love him more
....." Barbara said, "No one will ever be able to
understand it unless they live it." Bristolvol said,
"....you just have to do what is necessary to
preserve your own life." What does all your
responses mean to me? It means you not only
understand, you care. I need more than
understanding, I need someone to care. It is the
caring that leads to my peace and serenity.

But there is one more post and which was from
Lou who said her son is "......making amends to
extended family, and I have to say they have
been forgiving and supportive." Lou reminded
me of "HOPE" and I desperately need that!

I learned yesterday my son was arrested again
for failure to appear. I normally would
immediately send him a letter or a family
picture card and include a stamped envelope
with paper so he can write me back. I have done
nothing but pray for him to accept recovery. He
knows he is loved and forgiven. I must leave it
to God.

God bless each of you and my continued prayers
for all of us and our children.

How Do I explain This Disease?

2011-06-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

My sister asks how my son is doing and I explain that
we still have had no direct contact. I had explained our
family agreement with her before; she indicated that
she finds it unusual we have no contact, no relationship.

I respond that I wouldn't know what to talk about other
than his infectious disease, his outstanding warrants, his
court cases, his present employment of stealing copper
to fund his addiction, his poor health and mental illness,
his present room mate (whoever that is), his car that was
stolen and so on.

She doesn't get it! She was OK when we were involved in
the chaos and all the enabling. That was sure fun to talk
about!

So who has the instruction manuel, "How to explain your
child's addiction to family and friends."

What do you say at my stage? He's 35! The longest he has
ever stayed clean was nine months

How do I make my sister understand or do I?

In prayer for all our children.

A New Awakening for Me!

2011-05-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

I promised myself I wouldn't read
anymore books on addiction but I
won a book by being one of the first
five to comment on a blog posting at
http://intervene.drugfree.org. The book
was, "We All Fall Down" by Nic Sheff.

So, it doesn't count against me since
I won it, right? :) Anyway, this is a very
good book.

When he was talking about relapse he
mentioned a story about a man who
jumps off a very tall building and
continues to repeat, "So far, so good,
so far, so good, so far, so good...."
That is what I know my son is thinking.

The book reminded me how my addicted
child thinks. It actually scared me to
read his thoughts. It scares me to think
my son thinks like that but he does.
However, no other book has ever brought
me closer to understanding my son and
his disease.

I absorbed every word written. I couldn't
put the book down. The book revealed an
inner truth I have denied for so long.
The author's story allowed to be "OK"
with my son's life. His words allowed me to
understand that I have never had control
and why.

I know that God is in control and He
has given me permission to "let go."
It's not just words now or a fleeting
thought but true conviction and most
importantly, "acceptance."

I'm beginning to get it now. I mean really
get it. No false pretenses, no brave words
from a very scared father.

Addiction is a primary disease, a brain
disease! It really, really is.

And now I focus on my serenity.

"When we are no longer able to change a
situation, we are challenged to change
ourselves." Viktor Frankl

I can pray.

I can trust God.

I can call my sponsor.

I can read my Families Anonymous
literature.

I can attend Families Anonymous meetings.

I can forgive my son.

I can forgive me.

I can work the Twelve Steps.

I can have a life that I have been denying myself.

I can love again.

In prayer for my son, your child and our families.

Funeral Plans & A Mother's Day Call

2011-05-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have come to appreciate and value
the wisdom of my followers. I really
feel like you are more like family than
simply followers of my blog. We all
share a special love for our children, we
are all drawn together due to the
uniqueness of our children's disease.

As I read over and over the responses
from my last entry it dawned on me
that I was moving too fast and was
wanting too much detail in planning
my son's funeral. What we decided was
simply to go over some of our ideas
and agree on an understanding of how
we wish for him to be remembered. We
want his life to have a purpose, so
we will find a way for his life to be
a benefit to others.

I found that this planning process has
allowed us to feel better about
"letting go, letting God."

Detachemnt with love is so difficult
but I realize how important it is for
everyone in our family, including our
son.

We realize he is still alive and that
is a true blessing. He can accept
recovery at any moment.

I mentioned in my last post that for
the first time ever he did not call
or leave a Mother's Day messsage.
However, on the Tuesday following
Mother's Day he left a very brief
message wishing his Mom a happy
Mother's Day and he was well. He
indicated he had forgot to call.
He ended the conversation saying he
was a "little" worried about his
upcoming court date. I had to smile
at that remark as he doesn't yet
realize he has a new felony warrant
for possession of meth!

In prayer for my son and, your child.

New Felony Warrant & Funeral Planning

2011-05-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

A new arrest warrant was issued for
my son on May 5th and this was for
a felony. I do not know what the
charge is for but it appears to be
separate from his last charge which
he was released on bond for.

Talk about a great Mother's Day
gift -- an arrest warrant!

This was the first Mother's
Day he did not contact his mother.
Even when he was at his worst he
would, at least, leave a voice message
on our office phone.

I was so disappointed someone
bonded him out and now new charges
are filled. I wonder if this
mystery person will bond him out
once again?

There was a time when I would have
hired a private investigator to
hunt him down and notify the police
where they could arrest him but I
won't do that anymore. I am a firm
believer in allowing the natural
consequences of his actions to
unfold.

The progression of his disease is
obvious; the consequences continue
to mount and he is on his way to
the state prison or death.

I told my wife I had something
difficult to discuss with her
regarding our son. We sat at the
dinning room table and I asked
her to pray with me before I
spoke.

I said that I had talked to our
counselor and asked if she had
ever had any clients who, in an
attempt to detach, planned their
child's funeral, even if they
were still alive. She didn't
actually answer the question but
said that she had no problem
with us doing that. I asked if
she would talk at his funeral
and she said she would be
honored to do that.

My wife responded that planning
his funeral would be helpful
in letting go and she agreed to
help.

We decided that if he should die
due to his addiction that we
wanted everyone to know the truth
about this disease and the
struggles our family has had
(no secrets). Allowing our
counselor and his counselor to
talk at the funeral would help
in dealing with our own grief.
In addition, we will ask those who
knew him before the addiction to
speak. In particular, his high
school golf coach, who is now at a
major college and is well known
in our area. His sister died of
an overdose in her late thirties
so he knows well our pain and the
destruction the disease causes our
loved ones and their families.

We will also video tape the funeral
and create a Web site as his memorial.

You all will be invited also.

Is this an "odd: idea? If so, please
tell me. What would be the negatives
to begin planning his funeral?

If you feel it is a good idea, then
what would you think is appropriate
based on his addiction and history.

In prayer for all who suffer from this
disease.

The Recycle Bin

2011-05-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

In only five days my son bonded out from
"protective custody." Who would have bonded
him out? A lover perhaps? Would a drug
dealer bond him out? Was he working with
an employer who is empathic to those
addicted to drugs? Who else, do you have
any ideas on who would do this?

I have never bailed my son out of jail so I have
no idea how bail bondsman work so I called
one and explained the situation. He told me
they charge 10% of the bond plus a $35.00
filing fee but you have to have property as
collateral. If the individual does not show up
for court there will be a bounty hunter fee. This
fee depends on where the individual is found
and how long it takes to find him. He said the
least it might cost is $150.00. Who would risk
that kind of money or put their property at risk
for someone who has a long history of being
unreliable and non compliant?

The last "drug house" my son was in wouldn't
allow him to return after his last stint in the
county jail. He had stolen several items from the
residence and there was severe hard feelings for
my son. At least that was the report the private
investigator told me. Soooooo, where would my
son find refuge after he was last released from
the county jail?

The family photo cards I mailed him were returned
as undeliverable so I know the book
(Facing the Dragon) I sent never made it to him
either. That is just as well as I agree with Lou who
posted that our children don't need another book
on addiction; they can write their own. That certainly
made sense so I was all prepared to start mailing
him the classics's like No Man Is An Island, Lord of
the Flies, Catch-22, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's
Nest etc., I thought he would be in jail for months!
What other books might be an option for an addicted
child in jail or prison?

I also appreciate the idea from Dad and Mom who
suggested to write a letter and then reread it the next
day before sending it. I will certainly do that as I have
often sent letters that I regretted sending later on.

The good news is the prison ministry at a local church
sent someone my son knew during one of his former
recovery attempts to visit him. This gentleman stayed
in recovery and met my son in the Celebrate Recovery
program. I was hoping his former sponsor who runs the
prison ministry would see him as I know he had a great
respect for this person, but that didn't work out. He did
tell me that my son lowered his head in remorse as his
friend shared the good news of Jesus Christ and recovery.
My son didn't share much, he just listened.

He is back in the recycle bin of addiction. I was thinking of
how many people make money and/or are employed due
to our children's disease. The county judge makes over
$124,000.00 per year and then there is the DA's and public
defenders, jailers, police officers, jail doctor, treatment
programs, counselors, insurance agents, bail bond
companies, long distance companies and the list goes on
and on. It has to be a billion dollar industry, at least.

So now I wait and pray again for his recovery and safety. I go
back to my Families Anonymous literature and and work on
letting go and letting God be in charge. He has a plan, I know
He does. I have a support meeting tonight -- I will certainly
be there!

God bless each of you and thanks for all your support.

I ask for your continued prayers for all of our children.

My Son is "Rescued"

2011-04-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

You all are priceless! Thanks so much for your
comments.

On Thursday, April 21st God "rescued" my son
and he was placed in "protective custody" by the
county sheriff. The charge is for possession of a
controlled and dangerous substance. Bond was
set at $3,000.00. He also has charges pending by
the municipal police department. In addition, I
believe he is in violation of parole for a former
charge in which he severed about four weeks in jail
last November. The charge was, "actual physical
control." I think both these charges should keep
him in "protective custody" for quite awhile,
that is what we are praying for.

When I shared this information with family and those
in my support group they asked, "How did you know he
got arrested?" My answer is simple, "There is a iphone
app for everything" I respond, with a smile. Due to my
son's history I knew it was only a matter of time.

He understands our boundaries and he was in
agreement when the family contract was signed.
In the contract it states that we do not visit
jails/prisons, take phone calls, provide bail money,
legal services or money for the jail commissary.

I can understand why some may find our relapse
agreement harsh and uncompromising but keep in
mind this is our son's 14th time to the county jail.
We have already provided him attorneys and money
numerous times. All we can do now is to reinforce
the family's love, forgiveness and support for his
recovery.

We are hopeful he will share that he has a
"contagious disease" (see post of 12/9 & 12/29) so that
he can receive appropriate medical care for whatever this
disease is.

What now?

We did send a tri-fold picture card which contained
several photo's of family gatherings and scriptures
quotes along with our love and prayers for his recovery.
We felt that these family photo's would be reassuring to
him that he still has a family who loves him and supports
his recovery.

I also sent him a book entitled, "Facing the Dragon" by
David Parnell. He was addicted to meth, like my son.
He attempted suicide and blew half his face off with a
AKA assault rifle but lived! This is what it took him to find
his moment of clarity! He now does public speaking at
schools, churches and prisons.

In addition, we contacted two individuals who have prison
ministries. They know our son personally. They agreed
to visit him. Both are in recovery and one was his sponsor
many years ago.

There was a cartoon in last Sunday's paper that shows an
attorney speaking to his client in jail. Do you think I
should send this to him?

Attorney: I spoke to the judge about plea bargaining.

Attorney: He says if you plead guilty, he'll give you six months.

Attorney: If you plead not guilty and the jury finds otherwise,
you'll get two years.

Jailed client: What if I plead "VERY Guilty"?

What now, what else could we do?

Letter from my son!

2011-04-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,

I haven't spoken to you in some time and I know you and my family worry so much about me and that is why I decided to write to you.

I don't call because I hate what my disease has done to me. I hate the fact I cannot live without my drug. I hate when I do call you and hear your love, understanding and support for me -- I break down and cry. I don't want you to see me like this, I don't want you to hear me like this.

I understand and accept the boundaries you have set. I agree with them. You are doing the right thing.

I know you love me and are there for me with whatever support you can give when I choose recovery.

You and my family have done everything you could possibly do to help me. You no longer have to hold yourself accountable for me or my disease or the actions and consequences my disease. You are not at fault and never have been. You have told me so many times that God is in control and I accept that. Now is the time to allow God to take over for you and the family. I ask that you trust God fully like you have asked me to do so many times.

I remember the time I won the state junior golf championship when I was in high school. I still remember seeing the look on your face after I made that forty foot put to win. I remember hugging you and thanking you. I laughed when you asked if I would hire you as my caddy when I turned pro.

That is just one of numerous past moments in my life I knew I was loved. I know I am loved now.

I give you and my family credit for making me into the person I was then but that was then. When my addiction took control you played no part in it. None.

When I accept recovery I know that you and my family will provide a foundation of love. There is no greater gift you could give me than that.

Dad, it's ok, I want you to let go fully and enjoy the life you and mom have worked so hard for. I will be fine.

I will call you as soon as I am in recovery.

I love you,

Your Son

Well, my son didn't write that letter. I wrote it. I wrote the letter I wanted to receive from my son. I wrote what I needed to hear.

I discussed writing the letter with my counselor and he said he thought it would be helpful. I actually wrote it by hand and put it in the mail addressed to me. I know how weird that must sound but when I opened it I really felt it was from my son. I read it like I had never seen it before and it made me feel good. It gave me hope.

In prayer for all who suffer from this disease.

Don't Give Up on Me!

2011-04-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

OK, so I printed out Dad's comments
from my last post. I highlighted the main
points and reviewed every one's comments.

There were some great comments. For example,
Kim said, "I always feel 100% better afterwards.
I truly think it is the disease telling us to isolate
and be depressed. Keep yourself active and
engaged in living your life. You will feel better!

I printed and clipped your comments to the Kiwanis
club president's business card and there it sat
staring at me, hour after hour after hour.

I finally picked up your comments and reviewed
them; they all made perfect sense. I dialed his
phone number, it rang three times and I hung up.

I'm not ready now. I am too emotional. My recovery
is weak at this time. I have to work on me first. I
wouldn't do justice to my story which is really all
our stories.

I want to tell my (our) story. I want to tell the
truth about addiction. I know we need more parents
who are willing to open up and allow others to
understand what we go through with an addicted child
but I just have to wait.

I will do it, that is a promise, and when
the time comes I will ask for your guidance.
Don't give up on me! I will reschedule my talk.

In prayer for all our families.

Under Attack!

2011-04-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have been asked to speak to our local Kiwanis
club about addiction. I have not responded to the
request. I will feel alone and lost in a in a room full
of businessmen who do not understand the disease.
Who, I perceive, live in the past with all the myth's
of the disease defeating any words of truth I might
bring.

I know I am wrong to feel this way but I wanted to
share my true feelings. I want to read your thoughts.

At our last Families Anonymous meeting I sat next
to the mom who almost lost her son to the disease
(see March 1). He is in a six month Christian based
program in Texas. He is doing well the Mom tells me.
I am sad that my son is not in this program, any program.
I immediately turn to the topics section in our "Red Book"
concerning "Letting Go" etc. I feel weak knowing that
I have allowed my recovery to be threatened. I am in
relapse mode. I sit silently in prayer for strength and
guidance. I want my son back.

This morning a friend called and asked if I would play
with him and his two son's in his church father/son
golf tournament. The disease is after me again. I should
have said yes but I am sad once again and say no.

It's not going well at the moment so I will end this post and
call my sponsor.

In prayer for all who suffer from this disease.

Be prepared

2011-03-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

We were at a family diner last week and a relative asked my daughter about her brother. She looked at him and said, "I am an only child." I noticed the look on her face and this relative knew that was the end of the conversation. This relative learned what my wife and I have known for sometime, we don't talk about her brother.

We haven't heard from our son in a very long time. He won't talk directly to us but will leave a message on our office voice mail.

I frequently check online to see if he is back in jail. I do know that from checking court records he has not made a recent payment to the court. I also know he was required to serve twenty hours of community service. I have a better chance of winning the lottery than he does of completing the court requirement of community service.

This past weekend my wife and I discussed how we will react when the call comes. We know that the call will come. Will it be from the morgue to come to identify the body or will the police show up at our office to notify us of his death? If so, what type of funeral service would we have? Then there is the possibility that a hospital will call and inform us he has been admitted. If that happens what will we do? Should we go visit? If so, will we take him home when he is released -- to continue his recovery? I doubt the drug house he is living in will volunteer to help him. What if none of this happens and he just calls and asks for help? What type of help would be appropriate at this time? The best outcome will be a long term county jail sentence. I am praying for six months, at least.

I thought I would update you regarding my last post about the age of the other parent's children in my support group. We had two new parents come a few weeks ago and I learned at our last meeting that both of them have son's who are 31. However, I have the oldest child at 35!!

As hard as we work on ourselves, on our recovery, there is always questions that arise. The disease always finds a way back into our lives.

Is it best to handle the situation as it happens or look at the different scenarios and be prepared?

Continued prayers for all our children.

Just questions........

2011-03-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

When I began bloging I had no idea I would
meet parents who understood completely
what my family and I have been through,
what we have witnessed, due to our son's addiction..

Your posts have meant so much to my family.

I think that is what I have missed in my parent
support group. In the over four years I have
attended I have met very few parent's whose
children are over 30. I have seen only a small
minority of parent(s) work the steps. There is
only one that still comes who was at the first
meeting I attended. There is only a few that
have attended regularly for two years.
I do not pass judgement on anyone, these are
just the facts I have witnessed.

What do you think happens to "older" parents of an addicted child?

Do you have "older" parents in your support groups?

Am I in some rare minority where my son is still sick at age 35?

Perhaps other families find recovery much sooner, am I late in finding recovery?

Should I feel awkward, at my age, to still be attending a support group?

Just questions! I don't know if there are any answers but if anyone would know it will be my online support group.

The First Time I Met the Disease

2011-03-12T13:40:00.000-08:00

My first step away from my codependence was when I found a crack cocaine pipe in my son's trash can. This was the summer after he graduated high school and he was living at home without a job or any plans to go to college.

That evening I informed him of my findings to which he said we had no right to search his room. He actually made us feel guilty, in fact, I remember saying I was sorry! However, he had once again violated our trust and something had to change.

We informed him he would have to move out. We knew he had no money and the car he had been driving was totaled due to an accident (later found out he was high on cocaine). His mom and I found him an apartment and paid for the first and last month rent plus signed the lease agreement. In addition, we purchased him a late model Camero so he would have reliable transportation when he found a job. We paid cash so he wouldn't have any monthly payments. He and some friends moved all his furniture into this apartment. This furniture was the same furniture I had when I was his age. My plan was to have this furniture passed down to my grand children and then my great grandchildren.

It was so quite and peaceful around our house now. We wondered why we didn't do this much earlier. This solved our problem! So simple.

As I recall, it was about two months later when the manager of the apartments called. I could hear the shock and dismay in her voice when she asked us to meet her at our son's apartment. I asked where my son was and what happened. She responded that he was in the county jail. She also informed us he was behind in his payments and we would have to see the damage in the apartment for ourselves.

My wife didn't want to go, she was crying and confused. I asked my daughter to go with me, she was 16 and our "perfect" child. I don't know why I asked her to go.

The manager met us at the apartment and let us in. Actually, the door had been busted in and wouldn't completely shut. I walked in but my daughter stepped inside and then immediately stepped back outside.

I looked around the living room and was in shock. I had never witness anything like this. The window was cracked and the blinds were hanging by a thread. The TV was gone and the stand was leaning on it's side. The leather chair had been slashed to pieces. The family pictures we hung for our son was spray painted with obscenities. The ceiling was covered in beer caps and there were posters of hard rock bands and legalize marijuana signs and other such things on the ceiling as well.

I then ventured into the kitchen and there were dirty dishes in the sink and cock roaches crawling everywhere. I open the refrigerator and what little food was inside was spoiled. The house had an odor that made me gag, it was that bad. I had to go outside to get fresh air; I would hold my breath as I continued to tour the devastation.

When I reached the bedroom I was standing in awe of how anyone, especially my son, could possibly live here and then out of the corner of my eye I saw an individual walk out of the bathroom. I turned and stared at him in disbelief. He was about 5'8" and was only wearing shorts. His head was bald and looked like a walking skeleton with darkness around both eyes. No expression whatsoever as he walked past me. He did not speak as I tried to get some information from him. He just kept walking out the front door. My daughter jumped back inside the apartment after seeing him walk past her.

We then proceeded to the parking lot to search for my son's car. It didn't take long to locate as it was the only one on blocks and all the tires missing. The car doors were open and anything of value had been ripped from the dashboard. It appeared someone had tried to hot wire the car as the ignition was hanging down from the steering wheel.

My daughter turned to me crying and said, "Take me back home please."

This incident was so different. In other situations I could step in and rescue my son. I could always rationalize his consequences in the belief that these situations were simply learning experiences. I presumed that after each incident and the growing consequences that he would "snap" out of it.

This was my first meeting with the disease. The first time my denial was pierced. It was the first time I was truly scared. The first time when I had no answers, no plan and no understanding of what I had just witnessed. It was the first time that I realized I was up against something much more powerful than I had ever imagined, but what was it?

My denial and codependency would last another ten years! I was truly as sick as my son. I was addicted to him and I couldn't let go.

In prayer for my son and for your child.

I Lost Every Battle!

2011-03-07T12:04:00.000-08:00

My mind is so full of clutter. The memories, past, present, and the future of my lost child are all battling for my attention. I know that every thought is connected to some emotion, either in the past, my present or my future. I am held captive until I truly understood the truth in these four words, to "Let go, Let God."

I look back and see little bits and pieces of myself strewed over an incalculable number of battlefields. I lost every battle but was allowed to live on, only to lose again. I don't understand. Perhaps I am not suppose to.

I have to learn to pause and trace my thoughts and the emotions they are connected to back to their original source. It is here where I have found the understanding to disconnect them from my present reality. Before, I would only deal with these thoughts on the surface but they kept coming back. I inadvertently continued to give them new life and power over me until I traced them back to their source and disconnected them. They were still there, of course, but they were disconnected.

Learning to pause when attacked by the disruptive thoughts of the disease of addiction took me a great deal of time to master. I learned I could not do this alone so I turned to God and asked for help. In accepting Him as my Lord and Savior I received the Holy Spirit who guides my thoughts and gives me the power to be in control of my actions.

Pure thoughts transform me. It is an inner cleansing of my soul. There is an inner peace within me that is much more powerful than I could have ever imagined. I have a new understanding of who I am, a new self-awareness that increases as I give more frequent control to the Holy Spirit which guides me in a thought process that draws me closer to His will. I can now forgive myself. I am set free from the bondage my child's disease which has controlled me for so very long.

I close my eyes and seek His love with a pure heart and I feel His presence throughout my being. I am now at peace and can see clearly the errors of my thoughts as I trace them back to their birth. I understand where they came from and forgive myself as I proceed with the will of God and eliminate this thought process to the glory of my Father in heaven.

The process I speak of is not possible to define or to transfer to another person. It is a relationship that is personal and developed with a one on one understanding between my God and myself, my soul. A personal and private relationship that is strengthened by reading His inspired word and praying that my will be replaced with His will. I am humbled by His acceptance, His forgiveness.

I pray for His continued guidance and I pray that every parent of an addicted child will find their own peace and serenity.

Prayers for Samuel (update)

2011-03-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

Samuel had numerous health issues including a heart attack due to the overdose but he did live and was released from the hospital a few days ago. The Dr's called it a miracle.

His mother asked me to thank everyone who prayed for him.

He came to live with his mother while he continued to heal. He borrowed his mothers car the second night home and was arrested for a DUI type charge. He tested negative for alcohol or other drugs but was arrested for some type of driving while not in control. I never heard of this so not sure of what he was doing.

The mom shared this update at the end of our meeting as everyone was standing up preparing to visit or leave; she broke down and collapsed in her chair, her hands in face crying uncontrollable. There were 14 parents there, we just moved closer to her and several parents put there hands on her shoulder. Everyone was silent and just allowed her to express her emotions.

I don't know how to describe this scene, that experience. It was humbling. There was such a sense of human understanding and love without one word being spoken. I truly felt God's love in the room.

I couldn't stop my tears and as I wiped them away I noticed I wasn't the only "man" in the room with tears.

I'm convinced that each of you were there with us. In fact, I believe every parent of ever addicted child was there also. It was that powerful.

Thank you for the prayers.

Prayer Request & Step 3

2011-02-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

One of the parents in our support group passed some information about her son through another parent at our last meeting. Her son was in the ICU due to a drug overdose and the doctors say they do not expect him to live. His name is Samuel and he is 28. Would you pray for him tonight?

Our meeting was a step meeting and it was step 3.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

I felt I was in a good place to share about my step 3. I shared about my conversation with my son (see my post "The Voice" on 2/10/11) and how it strengthened all that I have learned in the program.

I never believed I would have ever experience, "The Twelve Promises of Families Anonymous" but they are all coming true. As we say, "Keep coming back, it works if you work it."

The Twelve Promises of Families Anonymous(Adapted from AA with permission)

1. We are going to know a freedom from worry and a new happiness.
2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
3. We will comprehend the word serenity.
4. We will know peace.
5. No matter what we’ve been through, we will see how our experiences can benefit others.
6. Those feelings of resentment and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in trying to change others and gain an appreciation for those special people in our lives.
8. Self-righteousness will slip away.
9. Our attitude and outlook on life will change.
10. Fear of other people’s opinions and our insecurities will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.
12. We will come to realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Our plan is to work step 3 over and over. We both feel we are in a good place now. We have let go and we leave it entirely to God. We have no expectations, as we pray to a sovereign God, but a God who has greater knowledge than we, so we accept whatever the future may hold.

I took the journal we had been keeping over the years and for the first time I could truly see the insanity. I can't believe how long our path to recovery has taken. How sad that it has taken us so long but it is a process and it takes years to feel comfortable, to truly embrace our recovery. Of course, we will always continue working the program. The disease of addiction never allows us to stop working the steps, least we fall back ourselves.

We want to thank all of you for your posts as we have been strengthen by each one of you. Your continued support is still needed and greatly appreciated.

God bless you and your families.

May you and your family find peace and may your child find recovery.

The Voice

2011-02-10T10:52:00.001-08:00

We longed to hear the voice of our son again. Our perpetual fear for his welfare never leaves us regardless of our experience and knowledge of this disease.

His call did come. Was it a blessing? It was but not in the way most parents would understand but you are not most parents.

His voice and thought processes reminded me of how sick the disease can make our children. It robs them of the most basic reasoning tools. It also takes away their ability to feel emotion and that, for us, is the most difficult part to understand, to accept.

He felt an obligation to let us know he is safe and not living on the streets. He said his truck was stolen and has never been recovered, that he has a tree job lined up but he lost his chain saws and other tools. Of course, he has no way to get to the job anyway, he confesses.

"Who are the people I hear in the background?" I asked, "They are friends I am staying with." He responds. They are at a gas station and I hear someone ask for donations because they need at least $5.00 for gas.

I asked if he knew that the infectious disease department of the state was looking for him and he said he did "get word" about that. He then added, "It's probably nothing serious, besides, I have no way to get anywhere and my friends aren't taxi drivers." Mom responds, "If it wasn't serious I don't think the state would be trying so hard to find you." No response from him and I motion to my wife to let it go.

He goes on to mention something so bizarre that only the addicted mind could speak of in such a matter of fact way. He indicates that his "friends" have been selling copper and he hates the way they have to "take it." He shares "THAT" with his parents!

We end the conversation and tell him again that he is loved by all his family and we continue to pray for recovery.

I remember speaking to my Families Anonymous sponsor about the difficulty our family has in discovering our "acceptance" and truly letting God do what we cannot do. The response mirrored that of our counselor.

They both indicated that we will be at the most peace when we grieve the loss of hopes and dreams about the past or hoped for relationship with our addicted child. This process of grieving is necessary so that each of the family members can accept our individual powerlessness over our son's life; only when acceptance has been accomplished can we stop enabling, stop the fear and "Let go and let God."

The voice we heard was not our son and this conversation helped to fortified our "acceptance." It actually strengthened our resolve, our recovery. My wife did became emotional but it was brief. I sat quietly next to her and then we prayed.

Not a Word!

2011-02-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

Not a word from my son. How unusual, I can never remember a time in the seventeen years of this addiction journey when I had not heard from him and/or knew where he was.

The silence has drawn me closer to my own recovery, my Families Anonymous group and closer to God.

I do not have the fear I once had.

I pray for my son. I pray for your child also.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

I've done all I can do!

2011-01-24T13:00:00.000-08:00

My request for help through my contacts at the local police department failed to be successful. The chief was out of town so I asked the assistant police chief to run the tag and notify the owner to have my son contact me reference the infectious disease. He said that my request was in violation of the law as it would not be considered a legal function/duty of the police department. He did contact the state health department in an effort to encourage them to do what they could to let the probation department know of the situation.

If you read my other posts you know that every agency has told me it is a violation of their policy, it's illegal and/or a violation of the HIPPA law etc.

OK, so every angle turned out to be a dead end (pun intended).

Of course, when my son ends up dead due this disease and/or an overdose I bet there's no law about contacting me then. No, they will need someone to officially identify the body so they can complete their paper work. They will want someone to take over the responsibility of burying the body.

Who do you think has to take care of all this? The parent(s), of course!

A system of stupid ignorant laws and policies that do nothing to help the individual or protect the community!

I've done all I can do.

In Hot Pursuit!

2011-01-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my office at home last Saturday reading another book on addiction when I see on my caller ID that my daughter is calling. I pick up the phone and I hear panic mixed with great anxiety in her voice. She tells me she was at the grocercy store and spotted her brother with a younger blond woman in the parking lot. She sat and watched them load their groceries and is now following them. Here's the conversation as I remember it.........

Daughter: She shouts, "Quick write down this tag, 666 - 666 (not the actual tag number!), it's a red Honda."

Me: "OK, OK, I got it." I respond, "Where are you at now?"

Daughter: "I am following them East on 2nd Street and we are just crossing Broadway. Wow! I had to run a red light to catch up!"

Me: "Don't do anything dangerous, please!"

Daughter: "They may have spotted me as they quickly turned in the right lane."

Me: How close are you to them?"

Daughter: "About two car lengths."

Me: "I think you are too close, back off."

Daughter: "They made an abrupt turn, South on main Street."

Me: "Stop following them. Please don't follow them any longer, OK?"

Daughter: "Ok Dad."

Me: "The kids aren't with you are they?

Daughter: "No."

Me: "I just have this feeling we should let this go. How did he look to you?"

Daughter: "He was wearing a stocking cap and sun glasses."

Me: "How did you know it was him?" "On a scale of 1 to 10, how certain are you."

Daughter: "Well, I would say a definite 8."

Me: "OK, I have the information and I will call the police chief and see if he can help locate the car and pass on the information for him to contact the health department."

Daughter: "That felt really weird."

Me: "I know, I felt like a police dispatcher!"

Daughter: "ha, I'll talk to you later. Love you."

Me: "Love you too, later!

Isn't it interesting how the disease always finds a way to drag you back into it's insanity.

So now I am waiting on a call back from the police chief. I hate calling in favors and putting him on the spot but I need to give my son the opportunity to check out this infectious disease. I don't know who this woman he was with is but I know I would want the father of the son to try and locate him so he doesn't infect anyone else. Right?

It's OK, I'm use to insanity!

2011-01-12T07:26:00.000-08:00

The private investigator (PI) did a good job but all the leads he followed up on failed to locate my son. This is unusual.

The PI found out that the probation department will not provide any information to their clients regarding infectious diseases. I found that hard to believe and decided to investigate this myself. I spent half my day leaving messages and/or on hold but finally did talk to a probation officer who confirmed that their department was not permitted to pass on any information, including information regarding infectious diseases. I left a message for the supervisor to contact me but I have not received a call back.

I then decided to contact the health department and see if they would be able to convince the probation department to put contact information in his file regarding the infectious disease. I, once again, talked to an employee who said that was not possible due to confidentiality and she mentioned the HIPPA law. I asked to speak to a supervisor who confirmed that they were not allowed to distribute any information. I then asked if they ever contacted the various hospital ER's and notified them with names of infected individuals and she said no. Well, I said, doesn't it make sense that many of the individuals you come in contact with are drug users and that it is most likely they will end up in an ER or the criminal justice system?. She said that could very well be true and I followed with what I thought was just common sense that if we want to stop the spread of infectious diseases then it would be in our community's best interest if we used all means available to notify departments like the probation department and the hospital ER's. All she said was, "I'm sorry." I responded, "It's OK, I'm use to insanity!"

The Plan

2011-01-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

My family is very blessed with such a knowledgeable group of followers of my blog. Each of your posts were priceless and added immensely to our decision to move forward and attempt to locate our son.

So, we hired a private investigator (PI) who happened to be one of our clients. I consider his fee reasonable. He charged an up front fee of $200.00. This is a retainer which is good for eight hours of his time (no refund if less than eight hours is used), then a thirty dollar an hour fee after that.

I learned that the address my son sent me in one of his letters from jail was not correct. The PI found the correct address which was about two blocks away on a different street. The lady who answered the door was in her mid eighties and when he identified himself and gave her his credentials she said she could not read and told him to come inside and she would get her son. The PI sat down at the dinner table with the lady and shortly thereafter her son walked out of his room which was visible from the dinning room. He was a man in his late fifties who had very few teeth and looked like a drug user according to the PI. The PI learned that the lady was his mother. The PI explained why he was there and the man told the PI that he hoped my son has aids and that he is a liar and a thief. He said he had no idea where my son was and that my son was told to leave their home just after Thanksgiving. At the end of the conversation a woman walked out of the mans room and asked if anyone had a cigarette. The PI stood up and handed her his credentials and asked if she was old enough to smoke. She showed him her drivers licensed but kept her thumb over her name. The ID indicated she was nineteen. The PI told me he was sure she was a user and most likely a prostitute.

The 'unknown number' (see post of 12/22/10) I received where the man said he was ministering to my son was actually the owner of a used car lot. The PI said the man indicated my son was there to buy a car. The man said sometimes the Lord just lets you know when a person is in need of prayer. He said that after he visited with my son he got my name and phone number.

I received a letter from my son's cell mate during his last stay and the person said how much my son talked about his parents and how much he misses his family. He said he talked to him daily about recovery but he is "stubborn." The man said he is in jail for a drug charge that occurred three years ago but he has been in recovery since then. His letter was very well written and only asked that I keep in touch on how Todd is doing. I have not written back but the man did give his mailing address which the PI learned was a good address. However, he is remains in the county jail.

At this time we are out of options. We have no more leads to follow up with other than the owner of the used car lot.

The PI suggested contacting his parole officer and letting him/her know about the infectious disease situation.

The plan now is to keep searching for my son and to keep in contact with the probation officer. At some point they will issue a warrant for his arrest for failure to comply with the court. At that time I hope to have an idea of where he is and the PI will make arrangement to have him arrested or as I like to say, "Rescued" and placed in "Protective Custody."

I did contact the morgue but he is not there and as Anna posted, "Where there is life, there is hope."

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:19

Please keep our son in your prayers, he is very sick.

In prayer for all who suffer from this disease.

The Big Question! What Would You Do?

2010-12-29T08:43:00.000-08:00

This is a continuation of my post on 12/09/10 regarding the health department and the infectious disease situation.

The state health department employee went in person to the address my son gave me and left contact information for him. However, since no one came to the door it was left lodged in the door frame. They do not leave anything specific in the notification but do indicate that it is serious and the individual should contact the health department immediately.

I asked about the appearance of the home and she said she believed someone does live at the home. However, she said, "The home is disheveled, the yard is overgrown and there are small motors -- things like lawn mowers, things that don't appear to be working which are overgrown into the grass. There is a lot of leaf pile ups. It is a very, very rundown home. However, there was a camper parked beside the home. There was also a truck that was parked there but it didn't appear to be working. It was like an older model Chevy or Ford."

When contact is made the state employee meets with the individual at the health department and walks them through the process. This process is for diseases that are "curable." If the disease is not curable then they are provided consultation and given appropriate referrals to see a doctor and they are given the names of special health clinics that will assist them regardless of income.

The cell phone number my son gave me when he left the county jail is now under another individuals name. This person was contacted by text and through leaving a voice mail and he/she did not return any messages.

The big question is, do I attempt to find him? At this point I would have to hire a private investigator as I have no idea where he is. If I do this, should I also have the private investigator encourage him to go to a treatment program? This would be an informal intervention -- I suppose. I have the funds to accomplish this. My thought process is this, since he has a disease, one that I consider a "brain disease." That being the case, he is not capable of making logical decisions and the disease may just kill him! However, if he was to accept my offer this may just be his moment of clarity. I remember reading the book "Broken" by William Cope Moyers and this is what his parents did.

The Unknown Number

2010-12-22T07:41:00.000-08:00

I am driving down the Interstate and an unknown number appears on my iPhone. I normally do not answer such calls and figure that whoever it is will leave me a message but I decide to answer. I guess it was because of boredom that I answered.

The voice on the other end speaks with a foreign accent and at first he sounds like one of those automatic recorded sales calls.

The caller say's. "Good morning, is this Mr. VJ?,"

Me "Yes, who am I speaking to?"

Caller "Oh, good day Mr VJ, are you having a good day?"

Of course, I am getting irritated and start to hang up but I don't. Why?

Me "Who is this and why have you called me?"

Caller "My name is Thomas, I am ministering to your son and he was telling me about his family. Would you like to talk to him?"

Me "You tell my son that he is loved and welcomed back into his family, who misses him very much, but he must call from a treatment program. Tell my son to go to The Salvation Army or the Rescue Mission."

At this point, there is a long pause and I hear some type of rustling noise in the background. Like wind mixed with leaves - something like that.

I hang up.

What is my son doing? Where is he? Why would some foreign sounding man be "ministering" to him. Why did this man feel it was important to call me? What did he expect of me? Did I fail my son in a time of need? I could have told him personally that he was loved, did I miss an opportunity which may turn out to be my last one? Why did I even answer the phone?

I am upset now so I pull off the road at the next rest area.

I get my iPhone out and access a new app I just downloaded the day before. It is an app that accesses specific Bible scriptures, so I chose "fear" and the first scripture is Proverbs 1:33, "but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm." I then take many deep breaths and pray for strength and guidance of the Holy Spirit - I remain still, I sit in complete silence and wait. I am once again at peace. Thank you God.

To all who read my post and post on my blog you know that you are an important part of my family's recovery.

We wish each of you a Merry Christmas as we share the blessings of the birth of our Lord and Savior.

Miranda Warning for Parents

2010-12-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

You have the right to remain silent and refuse to question, argue or yell at your child . Do you understand?

Anything you do say may be used against you later by your child, family and/or friends. Do you understand?

You have the right to consult an alcohol/drug counselor before speaking to your child and to have an Al-Anon or Families Anonymous sponsor present during questioning now or in the future. Do you understand?

If you cannot afford an alcohol/drug counselor, one will be provided for you before the insanity begins if you wish. Do you understand?

If you decide to answer questions, be questioned, argue or yell at your child now without an alcohol/drug counselor present you will still have the right to stop this insanity at any time until you talk to an alcohol/drug counselor. Do you understand?

Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you willing to be questioned by, harassed, blamed by, emotionally and/or physically assaulted, robbed, yelled and humiliated by your child without an alcohol/drug counselor, Al-Anon and/or a Families Anonymous sponsor present?

Call from the state health department !

2010-12-09T15:38:00.001-08:00

Here's one call I never expected. The state Health Department called my office trying to contact my son. The state employee indicated that somewhere down the line my son tested positive for an infectious disease. I suppose that is something they do in the ER, as he has had several ER visits over the past few months.

Would they have tested him in the county jail?

I gave the state the address and phone number he sent me from his last visit to the county jail. It is a function of the state to attempt to locate infected individuals and "encourage" them to get treated for their disease (she was not permitted to tell me what infectious disease he tested positive for). She also said that many states issue arrest warrants if the individual does not seek treatment. Our state does not issue such warrants and that is sad because my son is so sick from his addiction I am quite sure he will not take the time or spend the money to seek help.

I'm getting closer to planning his funeral! Every parent's greatest fear and this fear never leaves you.

I am becoming very comfortable with our family agreement. It has given me a greater peace than at any other time when I (we) were always involved in helping and/or enabling in some manner.

At this point I do not accept the term "unconditional love." This love is on hold until he seeks treatment. I do not like him not do I love him at this time. "Him" being the disease, not my son. My son cannot be found.....anywhere! Perhaps this is some sort of defense mechanism on my part but I truly do not have the attachment (parental love) that I use to. Who would have ever thought I would feel this way? I don't like feeling this way but it is the way I feel.

I don't believe in this "unconditional love" for my "addicted" child. This "love" only allows the disease to creep back in and do it's dirty business of destroying everyone in it's path. I know the disease too well now and I am now no longer going to be involved unless he calls from a treatment program and then, only on the guidance of my AOD counselor and sponsor.

I say that and then I get a call from the hospital, then what? I will ask my sponsor and counselor to go with me!!!!!

By the way Merry Christmas to all the perfect parents enjoying the holidays with their perfect children!!!

Can you tell I'm having a bad day?

My Favorite Quotes & Books That I Found Most Helpful

2010-12-03T08:51:00.000-08:00

Spirituality

"Most of think that we are human beings having a spiritual experience when in reality we are spiritual beings having a human experience." Andrew Young

I recommend the book, "The Spirituality of Imperfection" by Katerine Ketcham and Ernest Kurtz. In addition, understanding the beliefs of others has made me more patient and understanding. The best source for an overview of various beliefs, including atheism, is "Religious Literacy" by Stephen Prothro

"All problems are psychological, but all solutions are spiritual." Thomas Hora, MD

The Disease Model

"Psychological addiction occurs in your brain and it's a physical change." Dr. Nora Volkow, Director of national Institute on Drug Abuse

The DVD entitled, "Pleasure Unwoven" by Dr. Kevin McCauley is the best and most understandable explanation I have seen/read (www.addictiondoctor.com).

Acceptance

"I'm happy to concede that God can resolve things that I can't." John MacArthur

I found my path to the "Let go, let God" phase of my recovering began in reading the inspired word of the creator which is found in the Bible.

Support Groups

"Even a genius will lose their way without a road map." Unknown

My support group is Families Anonymous and I have a sponsor and attend meetings regularly. My life began when I made my recovery a priority. It has been a long road to my recovery but I am beginning to see the "Peace & Serenity" that the 12 Promises of Families Anonymous promises.

"You will not be successful alone." Unknown

Tough Love

If President John F. Kennedy had a son who was addicted, his famous quote would have been....

"Ask not what you can do for your child, ask what your child can do for himself.

Communications

"Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean." heard in 12 step meeting

I found the book, "Addictive Thinking" by Dr. Abraham J. Twerski very enlightening when attempting to communicate with my addicted child and when communicating with my spouse and extended family I found the book, "Choice Theory" by Dr. William Glassner very helpful.

Happiness in the Chaos

"I have noticed that unhappy people are evaluating others; happy people are evaluating themselves."
Dr. William Glassner

"You don't have to go to every battle you're invited to." Heard in 12 step meeting

"We can't be armor for our children. We can only be supporting troops." Irwin Shaw

Jail

"Your child is not being arrested, he is being rescued." Unknown

"Jail is known as protective custody." Unknown

Always Have a Plan

"if you don't have plans of your own, guess what, you will probably always fit into someone else's plans."
Guess what someone else may have planned for you? Jim Rohn

The book I felt was most helpful in understanding why always having a plan was so important was, "No More Letting Go" by Debra Jay

Codependency

"...the surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people's business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs," Melody Beattie

Of course, my recovery was uncovered after I had fully accepted the wisdom found in the book, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. IMO it is simply a must read by every parent who has an addicted child.

Boundaries

"When I have to make decisions regarding my child, I first determine how bad this decision will make me feel. The higher my anxiety and fear level gets the more I know for sure it is the right decision." Mom

The book I found the most helpful in setting appropriate boundaries for my adult child is, "Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children" by Allison Bottke

Interventions

"Unless someone like you cares a whole lot awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." Dr. Seuss

The best book I have read regarding interventions is, "How to Change Someone You Love" by Brad Lam

Change, a New Normal

"He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator." Francis Bacon

Never Give Up

If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles (Matthew 5:41 NIV)

The book I felt was the most helpful in understanding the saying ,"never give up on your child" is the book "Stay Close" by Libby Cataldi

letter from jail & new tool for decision making!

2010-11-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

In my last letter to my son I encouraged him to ask the judge for an inpatient program. If that wasn't possible then I asked him to seek a program at the Salvation Army.

Below are a few of his key points, followed by my thoughts.

Son wrote: "This trip to jail has been a real blessing (rest, food & opportunity to refocus)"

My thoughts: He makes it sound like a vacation! When things get tough on the streets, it sure is good to know he can get to a jail where he can rest up.

Son wrote: "I will not enter into any inpatient rehab of any kind! This is something I will not do anymore, knock on wood :) "

My thoughts: My advocating for an inpatient program with his public defender was a total waste of time. My son has no interest in any type of treatment. He will have to have a near death experience for even an outside chance of accepting recovery.

Son wrote: "I have a $50ish a day drug habit which is, I know, $50 too much!!!"

My thoughts: I suppose I should feel good. He wants me to believe he is now a mature/responsible drug addict who uses responsibly and keeps his usage under financial restraint. If this wasn't such a deadly disease that statement is laughable.

Son wrote: "I bought a truck 2 months ago w/$800.00 cash. It was stolen a month ago."

My thoughts: In the past it has always been the drug dealer or another addict who has taken his stuff because he was high and hallucinating etc. I wonder if he filed a police report?

Son wrote: "It is still a daily decision for continuous sobriety! Day 16 :) I'm still debating a sober house.....I know it is the best thing for me (?) Pray I make the right decision."

My thoughts: Yes, I will pray he makes the right decision. In fact, he has made many good decisions, the problem is he doesn't stick with those "good decisions" long enough.

He questioned the "fairness" of the family agreement. Of course he did, as it states he has to
pass a drug test -- he has to be "in recovery." How unfair of his family!

He received a six month suspended sentence and is required to make monthly payments to the court and do twenty hours of community service. Well, I can say with some certainty, that this won't be the last letter we receive from the county jail.

I started using a new tool I just read about concerning making decisions on being an advocate, helper or enabler.

It works like this, (1) draw a vertical line down the middle of a page, (2) in the center of the page draw a horizontal line across the page.

In the upper left quadrant you will list all anticipated positive outcomes for taking the proposed action on the issue being considered. Now, in the lower left quadrant you will list all the anticipated outcomes for "NOT" taking the proposed action on the issue being considered.

In the upper right quadrant you list all the anticipated negative outcomes in taking the action. Now, in the lower right you will list all the anticipated negative consequences for "NOT" taking the action.

This is called the, "Four Quadrant Problem Solving Aid" and I found it in the October 2010 issue of "Counselor Magazine." The author is Robert Proehl, CADC

I need to start taking the time and sit down with my wife and discuss, in depth, the decisions we make regarding our addicted son. I think this will be of great value to us in the future.

In prayer for all who suffer from this disease.

I thank each of you for your responses and support.

I am guilty on all counts!

2010-11-22T13:17:00.000-08:00

Regarding my recent involvement (manipulation) concerning my son during his present incarceration in our county jail -- I am guilty on all counts of violating my prior pledge of surrendering and not to interfere.

I am guilty of contacting his public defender and advising him of my son's addiction. In addition, I asked if he would talk with the DA and the judge for the purpose of having my son placed in a one year treatment program with a six month jail term if he did not complete the program successfully.

I did not consult my Family Anonymous sponsor.

In my defense,

1. I visited with my AOD counselor who also was my son's AOD counselor and he agreed that this would be an appropriate action.

2. I contacted my attorney, who is in recovery himself, and he also said that he feels this was appropriate. He agreed to talk with the public defender and explain/reaffirm the reasoning behind the request.

3. I reasoned that since my son has a brain disease he is not capable of making a rational choice that would lead him to long term recovery. Research clearly indicates that it is only through the intervention of the legal system and/or family members that the addicted individual will choose treatment.

It is in treatment that his brain has the opportunity to heal to the point of accepting recovery. It is in treatment that the possibility of clarity, that "Aha" moment is most likely to occur.

The normal sentence for his failure to appear violation will likely be one year of probation. However, he will be required to pay $40.00 a month in fines and attend a certain amount of AA meetings. There will be other stipulations not yet decided. If he violates his probation then they will likely sentence him to six months in the county jail. His disease will not allow him to complete these court mandated requirements.

4. But here is what I didn't do:

* Send him money
* Hire him an attorney
* Violate our prior family relapse agreement
* Bail him out
* I didn't have him arrested ( Icould have, I know the sherriff & I knew there was a warrant)

I throw myself at your mercy!

What is your sentence for my violations?

Son arrested. What a blessing !!!!!!

2010-11-17T15:06:00.000-08:00

Our daughter received a voice mail message from our county jail asking her to accept a collect call. I went online and sure enough our son was arrested on November 8th for failure to appear on a traffic charge of transporting an open container.

He has a $1000.00 bond and no one has been willing to post his bail, as of November 15. I find that encouraging! An addicted individual has to have help to continue to use, so if his support is gone then his options are very limited and that opens the door for the possibility of accepting recovery.

I have left a message with his public defender to call me but I doubt that will happen, so my attorney will be visiting with the public defender. I want the court to understand that my son has a brain disease (a primary disease) called addiction and he will not be able to comply with any of their requirements at his next court date of November 24th. If they have this information, there is a possibility they will send him to an inpatient program with the stipulation that he must complete the program or serve the full jail sentence. There's a chance his brain might heal enough, at some point, to have that "Aha" moment and make recovery a priority. We can only pray for a miracle and it will take a miracle.

At my Family Anonymous meeting I shared that my son was in jail, and as I did, I gave the "thumbs up" sign of success and everyone smiled and gave other indications of their approval. Where else but at my support group meeting could I share that my son was arrested and it be so well received as a joyous occasion? It's actually kind of funny in a weird but hopeful kind of way, isn't it?

His mother and I sent a letter of encouragement. We told him, as we always do, that he is loved and welcomed back into the family. We told him we would continue to pray for his recovery.

In reference to the Italy treatment program, San Patrignano, the mom has asked that I wait for her to complete some further investigation on the admission requirements. Her contact person is out of the office until next week. I will continue to update as I learn more "inside" information.

In prayer for all our children who suffer from this disease.

A land far far away

2010-11-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

I heard Dr. Libby Cataldi speak last month at a fundraiser for a adolescent outpatient program. She is the author of "Stay Close."

She has a blog at http://libbycataldi.com/blog/?m=201011

In her book she spoke highly of a free program in Italy called San Patrignano http://www.sanpatrignano.org/?q=en

I contacted her about this program and she has since put me in touch with a mother who has a son that is presently in the program. Her son is addicted to heroin. For the first time her son is doing outstanding and appears to have fully accepted recovery in a land far far away. I want my son to have that!

Amazon has A DVD on this program called, "Hope for the Addicted" that the mom said this DVD is very good. In addition, she highly recommends watching their video on their web site.

Here are some bullet points from my conversation with the mom.............

The program is FREE.

They only accept individuals who are addicted to drugs. No alcohol addiction or other addictions like sex, food or gambling. I don't know why.

The program is for a minimum of four years.

There is no age limit.

They have an 70 % successful recovery rate.

They will accept couples with children. The parents will go to separate programs for one year and San Patrignano takes care of the children.

They do not accept donation until five years after the individual has left the program.

The individual will have a mentor throughout their stay. They focus on the behavior aspects of addiction and they are not a traditional 12 step program.

I will update this information as I learn more.

Anyway, I have read some great testimonials on various blogs by professional counselors, so this is why I am sharing this potential resource with you.

I believe our children keep relapsing because the treatment programs are too short.

On another subject................

I was invited to a special presentation today by Drew Pinsky, M.D. (addiction-ologist). Dr. Pinsky is host of the reality TV series, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and the nationally syndicated radio show Loveline.

The audience were employees of a major oil company and I am guessing there were around 1500 in attendance.

I was very impressed with Dr. Drew. He knows addiction and he spoke, in no uncertain terms, on what is wrong with society understand of the disease of addiction.

His question and answer segment was just outstanding. One individual wanted to know if marijuana was addictive and his views on the legalization of marijuana. He answered the first question that marijuana was indeed addictive but he said he could not speak on legalization, as it made him too mad. I really enjoyed that response and so did the majority of the audience.

In prayer for all our children.

A Day Above All Others

2010-11-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

I sat in my Families Anonymous meeting last night and the topic was Step 8.

I decided to share about my experiences in working this step. I spoke about the time when the state required me to attend "parenting classes" due to the fact my son was caught stealing cigarettes from a Wal-Mart store. This was a six week class and I was in a special parent class and our children were sent to a different class.

As the time drew closer for my first meeting I was becoming angrier and more resentful that I was required to attend such a class. How dare they think that "I" needed such a class. This was all about my son's poor choices and had nothing to do with my parenting skills.

My first experience attending this class was meeting a counselor who wanted to discuss my "family" situation. It didn't take long for me to let this counselor know what I really thought. He was the first person I went back to make amends to. This wasn't an easy task as many years had passed since my outburst but I finally tracked him down and after I was through I asked him if he remembered me and he laughed and said, "Oh, yes, I do indeed."

I went on and discussed other amends I made but the true climax to working my step 8 is when I discussed making amends to my wife's family. She comes from a very large family and they were all well aware of our son's addiction. However, when the family got together they would always discuss their family and I would have to sit there and listen as they discussed their wonderful children who were getting married to the ideal spouse and progressing in their perfect careers after graduating from college with honors and on and on and on. Many times I would just "storm" out of the room saying nothing and on some occasions I would make remarks such as, "It must me nice to be living the American dream" or "It must be nice to have PERFECT children" or some other inappropriate statement.

My anger and resentment grew and eventually separated me emotionally from a wonderful and loving family.

On Thanksgiving day 2004 the family gathered in the dinning room and my mother-in-law asked me to say the prayer. I knew this was my opportunity to praise God and to make my step 8 amends to the family. As I began the prayer I gave thanks for all God has done in our lives and then I went into asking forgiveness from Him and from each member of the family on how I had treated them. I went into some detail and named each family member and the amends I was making. It was a long prayer!

After I had finished, the room was silent. I looked down at my plate and sat quietly as each member of the family came over and forgave me, then a hug. It was the best Thanksgiving I have ever had.

That was such a special day in my recovery, a day above all others.

As I ended my "sharing" with my Family Anonymous family I got a little emotional but it was "OK," each of them understood. I felt accepted, as usual. Where else could I, as a parent of an addicted child, find that kind of understanding and love. I have not found it anywhere but in my Family Anonymous meetings.

What Follows a Parents Breaking Point?

2010-10-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

I am honestly blown away by the wisdom everyone has shared and the offers of support. I know the high price and the pain you all have suffered to acquire such wisdom. This is what creates the bond between each of us. I have learned that my healing and recovery from this disease can not be done alone.

I have been too close to my son, as step by step his disease transformed him into someone I just can not recognize anymore. It is similar to watching a marching band at a college football game. If I am high in the stands it becomes clear to me what is taking place but if I am down on the sidelines it looks confusing and somewhat frightening. The longer I stayed on the side lines attempting to make sense of it the more troubled I became.

I look back over the years of addiction battles, won and lost, and see little bits and pieces of myself and my son strewn across the endless battlefield of drug addiction.

I now envision two sons, one a "stranger" and the other is "lost." The one that is lost is the one I pray for, the one I hope for. However, I can no longer look for the one that is lost, that is no longer my role. I have turned that over to God.

The "stranger" isn't anyone I can talk to as his only intent is to use me for the purpose of destroying my "lost" son.

To Addictionstinks,

I have decided to let go of my child completely. That means no contact. Does that mean I do not care or love him? No. It simply means that he must be in recovery. Like you, I support recovery and nothing else.

I made the huge mistake of keeping his money for him because his sponsor and the banks refused. However, once he relapsed he demanded his money and the situation got ugly, to say the least. I ended up giving him back over $1000.00 knowing full well it was going direct to the dealer and an overdose was possible. That won't ever happen again!

To "let him go" and "live only for myself" would create such an emptiness inside of me that I would lose my very soul. That is what scares me and calls me to question my motives when reaching for and living a life of true and full "acceptance." I am learning I must perceive and/or define "detachment" differently to accomplish my goals and success in my 12 step program.

To Lisa C

My "letting go" doesn't mean to stop loving. I must stop loving the addict within my son. It "feels" more accepting to me; I now visualize my son in the abstract. To view him as a stranger as opposed to a son that is attached to memories of the past, before the disease took him captive.

Your last two sentences defined the word "insanity" when dealing with our addicted children. I have reached that moment where there is no longer any situation that I have not already "done over." What is there left to consider but total detachment, full acceptance and the grief that accompanies this process?

To Dad and Mom

I may indeed call you for your experiences and I am very grateful of the offer. The more eyes we have on this insanity the more likely we are to see the path of truth, of recovery.

I could never see myself giving up on my son either and that is what lead me down my enabling and codependent path that created so much grief. It was actually a barrier to my son's recovery. I no longer call it "giving up" but simply moving "out of his way." I know that recovery is possible for "anyone."

You made a very good point when you said that his disease had changed your life. The disease continues to change our lives. It never stops changing our lives.

I have not given up on my son, the "lost" son, but I have given up on changing his disease (my son, the "stranger"). And yes, I have told my "lost son" that he will always be loved and forgiven. He understands our boundaries and why we can not go "looking" for him any longer.

Our family is out of "life preservers." There is not one that was ever long enough or strong enough to save him from the "stranger," the disease of addiction.

There is always a continued struggle when detaching with love but I prefer to perceive it more like "adjusting" to a new pattern which makes me feel "uncomfortable." I think that is just normal and perhaps similar to what our addicted child experiences during their Post Acute Withdrawal phase. Each stage of parent recovery and understanding is a new environment that requires time to make adjustments, to become "OK" with the here and now and the future.

I have learned that every time the disease "moves" we are forced to make "adjustments."

To yaya,

I likes what you said, "...weary enough of the battle to surrender." We all have to reach that point where "recovery" for ourselves is less painful than our continuing codependent behaviors. I think only then can we begin the to move through the sages of grief and on to full "acceptance."

My love for my son is the disease greatest tool for destruction.

I am not strong enough not to both physically and emotionally detach. My boundaries would become too flexible if I allowed the physical appearance of the disease. Once the disease sticks it's toe in the door I am destined for more pain and suffering.

Yes, acceptance is a discipline. It is a permanent "inner transformation" of body, mind, emotions and spirit.

Syd,

Your statement , "....but now I allow the other person the dignity to be who they are. Love doesn't stop, it just becomes less forced, less manipulative, less about filling my needs through another. I think that keeping in mind that your son is no longer who he was is a good idea. Knowing that you can't make a person be who you want them to be is a step towards your own recovery." This has a very powerful meaning, a clear statement of truth and understanding of the inner transformation process.

What follows a parents breaking point? I think the answer is "long term" recovery.

Time for Honesty

2010-10-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

I don't believe that the majority of you understand that I am codependent. There's many definitions for that term but what I found best describes me is being there for my son at every waken moment and feeling it necessary (mandatory) for me to be in control of him because, if I let down my guard down, he will surely die. It became a way of life for me.

For example, I would be at my office working with a client and my phone would ring and the receptionist would interrupt the meeting; I would excuse myself and talk with my son.

If he was out of town or in a rehab and called needing something, I would get in my car immediately, drive direct to the store and take the item(s) to UPS for next day delivery.

You see, I am not "wired" to "detach with love," regardless of the harm I may be doing. To detach with love and do the "acceptance" process is a very difficult concept for me to grasp, much less accomplish, but accomplish I must.

So, I may appear to be "trying too hard." I understand that I am trying too hard. Some parents can detach without much effort or so it seems. Oh, how I envy you!

My behavior was normal for a parent, I believe. The problem was I didn't know when to quit. I didn't understand that I had taken my love for my son too far. My love became "unhealthy" for him and me.

I work the first step continuously. I am powerless over others and my life is unmanageable.

This is why I listed all that I am doing for my own recovery in my last post because I find this is necessary for my codependency, my recovery.

I said in my last post, "He looks like my son but looks do not make a son" because this allows the light of truth to protect me. I must see my son for who he really is, what the disease has transformed him into.

I must let go of hope now. I must let go of my false expectations of recovery. I must accept he will die from his disease and there is nothing I or anyone but God can do.

When he calls and he will, I will have the strength to say, "You know the way to recovery and God will provide the path and light the way." That's all I can say. And there is nothing I can do. That is the sad case of chronic and late stage addiction.

Can I stop loving my son? My son died 17 years ago.

I am processing through the stages of grief slowly.

I will never get over his loss.

In prayer for your child and all who suffer from this disease.

When they refuse recovery, then what?

2010-10-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

We struggle with our commitment to remain detached from our son. This is a new environment.

Our family understands the disease and did an "acceptable" but certainly not "perfect" job in dealing with our addicted child prior to his violation of our family relapse contract that allows no further contact until he is willing to accept recovery.

Perhaps you could share some tools that you found helpful during this stage of addiction for the family.

Our family is doing the following:

1. Our prayer life is more frequent. We take turns praying as we hold hands and ask for His strength and guidance. We pray for our child and yours.

2. We ordered the pamphlet entitled, "Through Grief to Growth...The FA Way." This is a pamphlet provided by our parent support group of Families Anonymous. It has been very helpful.

3. "yaya" suggested a book entitled, "The Power of Praise and Worship." We just received it today.

4. We attend our support group each week.

5. We speak weekly to our sponsors.

6. We work the 12 steps of Families Anonymous.

7. We focus on new outside activities.

8. We are now marriage mentors for our church and just completed our training to be Stephen Ministers. These ministries have helped us divert our attention from our son and do God's will. We hope to be assigned care receivers who are struggling with the disease of addiction.

I realize that grieving the loss is a process and there is no set time table. I also know that each of us deals with it in their own way.

It is sad to come to this stage. I don't have the hope for my son's recovery that I did have. He is 35 and a chronically addicted to meth. He has been addicted since age 18.

I look back over our journals and relive the journey and I find it helps. When I look at the facts and match those facts to all I have learned about addiction I can clearly see that I lost my son a very long time ago. I just wasn't ready to accept it.

It is helpful that both my wife and I are walking this path side by side and in total agreement. This hasn't always been the case of course so we are very fortunate.

Thanks for letting me share.

Warning if you have a child on Facebook!

2010-10-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sure glad Facebook wasn't around during my son's High School years!

More Humor

2010-10-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

This is me talking to my son!

A Moment for Humor

2010-10-06T12:13:00.001-07:00

Defeat is not an option

2010-10-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is an alcoholic. He has six failed marriages and each divorce is a direct result of his addiction. Three years ago he lost his business due to his inattention to the business.He had a very successful business, one that had lasted over twenty years. His house is now being foreclosed on due to lack of payments. He continues to drink. To this day he denies that alcohol had anything to do with losing his business and his failed relationships.

We all know that it is the abuse of alcohol/drugs that causes the problems but the addicted individual thinks it's the problem(s) that causes the abuse of alcohol/drugs. As one author I read stated, "....it's the addict's distorted self-perception." That helped explain why I could never effectively confront my son about his actions and make him understand the destruction he/we were experiencing was the direct result of his use of drugs.

The addictive thinking is bizarre, it defies explanation.

My son reinforced his own addictive logic. He was so convincing that for years he sucked our family into his insanity. We desperately wanted his logic to make sense so we transformed our thought processes to match his.

I understand my sons rationalizations now. His thinking is due to his steadfast refusal to change and since he denies reality he has no problems dealing with the consequences that the disease brings. Is that not a good case for addiction being a brain disease? I think so.

The three primary tools every addict needs for self-deception is denial, rationalization and projection. My son used all these very effectively to control his family's behavior for his own purposes. I think "projection" was the most difficult to deal with as it put me and his mother on the defensive. We were busy defending ourselves. We would later learn that the disease uses "projection" to maintain it's present path. Projection also reinforced his own denial of the addiction.

My study of this disease also taught me that my son doesn't think in "real time." This was a real revelation as it explained why he didn't focus on the "future," just the "moment." When he was using he was simply in the moment of the "high," a feeling of euphoria and detached from all reality. The consequences of the disease doesn't enter into the "moment" because the future consequences come as the result of a long history of addictive behavior. In other words, the "consequences" are in the future and my addicted child has no conception of this "time" element known as the future. I suspect that is why the "one day at a time" slogan is vital for recovery.

Do you remember the cartoon about a man complaining to a woman in a bar, "My wife doesn't understand me?"

Woman: What doesn't she understand?
Man: She doesn't understand why I drink.
Woman: Why do you drink?
Man: Because my wife doesn't understand me.

I think the more I learn about this disease the more I am in a position to be a positive influence in a healthy manner when "THE" call comes.

I want to be prepared for whatever the disease throws at me. I do not want to be defeated any longer.

Defeat is not an option. Not now, not after all this time and struggle.

Lost and Found

2010-09-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a particularly difficult week for my wife and I as we continue to work our twelve step program with Families Anonymous and face the emotional parental barriers in, "Let go, Let God." We are struggling with "acceptance." We sacrificed so much and committed ourselves for so long in our futile attempts to "rescue" our son from this disgusting disease that we feel "lost" in our present environment.

Monday night is our Families Anonymous meeting and as usual we go out to dinner prior to the meeting. I asked my wife to pray with me and ask God for His strength and wisdom to allow us to continue to fight the good fight. We prayed for our son and his full recovery. We prayed for your child also.

We sat quietly during the meal and then my wife looked at me and said, "I can't go with you tonight, I'm just too sad. I would only cry." and then she said, "I want to be alone, I need some quite time."

I dropped my wife at our home and headed over to the meeting. I reached the front door of the building and decided I just didn't feel like going either and headed back to my car. As I put the key into the ignition and a feeling came over me that I was making the wrong choice and I went back.

As I enter the hallway I hear laughter coming form the meeting room. Laughter! I was thinking I needed a room full of solemn and sad parents like myself. A big "pity" party is what my subconscious mind had intended, not laughter.

The room was full and as I entered there were waves and salutations welcoming me. I sat quietly and as the leader announced the topic of the meeting. I was forced to smile. The topic was acceptance!

I heard such incredibly encouraging stories from the parent's who have been through the grieving process and are now living lives of acceptance. Their stories were a direct reflection of the "Twelve Promises of Families Anonymous," promises of peace and serenity.

I was alive again and felt and new sense of hope, a sincere willingness to continue the fight. I want never to give up. I couldn't wait to share with my wife that God had answered our prayer.

Terminally Unique

2010-09-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

I was humbled by each response on my last post. I felt a renewed sense of hope which encouraged me to begin again working the 12 steps of Families Anonymous.

As I have opened up and became totally honest with myself and others it was brought to my attention what I have been suffering from was a conditioned known in support groups as being "terminally unique." This is an attitude that is used to exempt a person from some of the principles of groups like Al-Anon or Families Anonymous. It is not an uncommon diagnosis!

"clean & crazy" response helped me to understand that I have many positives and I will begin focusing on those. This will prepare me for future battles. There is always a future battle looming with this disease, isn't there?

I work out four times a week and on Saturday's I usually go to a local cafe to have lunch. I sit alone and read some book on addiction, of course. This Saturday a young man approached me and said, "How you doing VJ?" This young man was just a teen the last time I had seen him. He moved to California ten years ago and asked about my children. I, of course, went into much more detail about my meth addicted son who lives on the streets! He responded, that meth is one of the most brain damaging drugs out there and that recovery is about a 5% chance. He didn't stop there as he also informed me that the brain damaged done is mostly permanent. I think conversations like this is why I used to lie and just say, "My son is brain surgeon and lives in England!"

On a different subject, I was just thinking about the addiction industry, from treatment programs to those outrageous fees charged by jails for collect phone calls from our children. Can you imagine what would happen to our economy if every parent of an addicted child stopped enabling all at once? The Great Depression would look like a walk in the park compared to the potential damage stopping enabling would do. Right? We parents' should be recognized for our part in keeping this country economically sound. :)

Thanks for letting me share.

Each of you are in our daily prayers for your child's recovery.

My truth be told

2010-09-21T08:18:00.001-07:00

Throughout my years of struggles, chaos, confusion, fear and every other emotion that follows addiction I would occasionally run into "seasoned pro's" who would share that they have not heard from their addicted child in months or years. These children were usually in their thirties and older.

These parent's lost marriages to the disease and/or become estranged from other family members. They used up all their financial resources due to the disease. It was so sad hearing their stories but I never thought for one moment I would be one of them.

Not me, I was different. I am well educated and successful business owner. I am well respected in my community. My son had everything, a college fund, a golf scholarship, a new car, a perfect girlfriend, a country club membership, quarterback throughout his high school years. a church home...................I was at every game, every golf tournament. I was a good father. I love my son.

This doesn't happen to a dad like me. Don't you know who I am?

My ego fed my denial and all but destroyed my family and me. I am ashamed of myself.

Who do I think I am?

My ignorance knows no bounds.

I heard the truth of this disease and denied it. I was told the path I was on would lead to disaster yet I paid no attention and continued to create my own insanity.

I lost ten years of my life due to my pride and ego.

I am angry at myself.

How do I grieve the loss of my son? How do I forgive myself?

The Butterfly & Recovery

2010-09-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

I received this story in an email years ago and I always refer to it when I am put in an enabling position by my child's disease.

You may have read it before but I think it is worth reviewing every now and then.

The Butterfly

Parents were walking in the park one day when they came upon a cocoon with a small opening. They sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It looked like it had gotten as far as it could, so the parents decided to help the butterfly. They used a pocketknife and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily, but something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The parents continued to watch the butterfly because they expected at any moment the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.

What the parents in their kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to emerge was natural. It was nature's way of forcing fluid from its body into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom. Sometimes struggles are exactly what is needed in our children's lives to develop strength to survive.

If we allowed our children to go through life without any obstacles, they would be weak, unable to function.

This story has shown us that the most successful people in recovery usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed.

Another ER Visit!

2010-09-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

The mail came today and my son evidently went to the Emergency Room (ER) late last month. The invoice(notice)from the hospital doesn't say why he was seen. His last (ER) visit was the end of June. Of course, I portend disaster in the not too distant future. His history of addiction always climaxes when he begins taking increased and unnecessary risks which eventually takes him to jail and/or a hospital. He is not a functional user and never has been.

I wasn't going to open the letter but couldn't stop myself. I did receive another letter from an attorney indicating my son has another pending arrest warrant. I am proud of myself for not going online and checking for outstanding warranst etc.

In addition, I have noticed that I have not been receiving any messages from friends telling me how sick my son looks. I am pleased I don't get those calls but it also indicates he is avoiding them which also indicates a past pattern of his chronic addiction.

After seenteen years of watching his addiction in action I can usually predict when he will reach his bottom. If he doesn't end up in jail or the hospital he will seek a homeless shelter; perhaps another try with the Salvation Army ARC program. He'll appear to be doing good and will convince me and others, including himself, that this time he is through with drugs. Then within nine months he will relapse. His disease is so predictable.

Of course, I know that He is in God's hand and recovery is possible for anyone, even my son!

In prayer for my son and your child also.

The Phone Call

2010-09-07T11:56:00.000-07:00

Monday was our son's birthday.

For the first time ever we did not call him nor did he call us. However, when we arrived at our office he had left a message in mom's voice mail. As we listened to his message it was hard not to turn it off and just cry. He sounded horrible, his vocie was weak and he was very emotional. He asked us to call him and he left a number.

I am doing all I can to grieve the loss of my son and to talk to him, or should I say, talk to his disease, wouldn't be healthy for this codependent.

I told my wife that she can call if she chooses, but she will only be talking with the disease and the disease will not hear a word she says about recovery. The disease only want's its foot back in our door so the chaos can continue once again.

Our son has been told repeatedly that he is loved, forgiven and welcomed back into the family when he is in recovery. He knows this and I feel there is nothing left to say. It has all been said before.

What a disgusting disease this is. It starts out so innocently and then slowly builds to a sickening conclusion.

Here's a statement by Melody Beattie from her book, "Codependent No More" that I thought was so unfair and not true. Well, it is true!

"I detest the disease of alcoholism. Chemical dependency and other compulsive disorders destroy people--beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, creative, loving caring people who do not deserve to be destroyed. The illnesses kill love and dreams, hurt children, and tears apart families. Alcoholism leaves in it's wake sheared, fragmented, bewildered victims. Sometimes the early death it brings to the drinker causes far less pain than the wretched illness caused during his or her lifetime. it is a horrid, cunning, baffling, powerful, and deadly disease.

May God give us understanding and strenth to continue to fight the good battle.

In prayer for our son and your child.

The Twelve Steps of Insanity

2010-08-31T14:42:00.000-07:00

It's very strange that we not even heard a rumor about our son. We are OK with it and that is a blessing. We are prepared.

For those who haven't seen this I felt I would share. Enjoy!

The Twelve Steps of Insanity

One. We admitted that we were powerless over nothing. We could manage our
lives perfectly and we could manage those of anyone else that would allow
it.

Two. Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves, and the
rest of the world was insane.

Three. Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills
and their lives over to our care.

Four. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we know.

Five. Admitted to the world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.

Six. Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.

Seven. Demanded others to either "shape up or ship out".

Eight. Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go
to any lengths to get even with them all.

Nine. Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do
so would cost us our own lives or, at the very least, a jail sentence.

Ten. Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong
promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

Eleven. Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others as we
couldn't understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do
things our way.

Twelve. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as
a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy
and pity in all our affairs.

Hazelden

The "Nature" of the Disease

2010-08-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

This short story always reminds me that my son nor I are in control - it is simply the "nature" of the disease.

A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, once asked a turtle to carry
him on his back across a river. "Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle.
"you'll sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."

The scorpion laughed as he replied, "My dear turtle, if I were to
sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now, what would
be the point of that? I won't sting you. It would mean my own death!"

The turtle thought about the logic of his argument for a few moments
and then said, "You're right. Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and
halfway across the river, he gave the turtle a mighty sting.

As the turtle began to sink to the bottom of the river with the
scorpion on its back, it moaned in dismay, "After your promise, you
still stung me! Why did you do that? Now, we're both doomed."

The drowning scorpion sadly replied, "I couldn't help it. It's my
nature to sting."

How to Bring Yourself Out of Denial

2010-08-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

The rancher asked his neighbor if he knew how to tell if he was a horses butt. The neighbor shook his head and the rancher began to explain.

If one person calls you a horse butt, pay no attention to it.

If two people call you a horses butt, look in the mirror.

But if three people call you a horses butt, go buy a saddle!

The Greeting Card

2010-08-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I get a greeting card sent to my office from a parent(s) I have helped.

It gives me such hope and encouragement when I read words like these.

I wanted to share my most recent card with all of you for the purpose of you understanding that when you share your story you are helping other families in ways you may never know, but rest assured your words have far reaching love, hope, and power.

VJ,

"I wanted to share a reading from Al-Anon for Aug. 11.

"There are times when I have to hurt through a situation and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting." (In all our affairs)

You have helped so many people. People that thought they would never smile or laugh again.

I know for XXXX and I -- you really changed our lives. I would not have chosen this path but this is the path I have been given. I must keep the faith.

May God carry you, your family and son through this difficult time. You and XXXXXX are always in our prayers."

XXXX and XXX

Silence is Golden?

2010-08-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

Not a word from my son in a very long time, many weeks at least (I don't keep count of the time anymore). I'm not use to this but I am OK today.

Something weird did happen, in the past two weeks I received four phone calls from a number in Mexico. Of course, I immediately think he has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom. I laugh at the idea briefly as anyone would know not to kidnap an addicted child, as the parents went broke a long time ago. The caller never would leave a message. Then I think he has joined a drug cartel and was just calling to let us know he was OK and had a new career!

Another interesting thing is I no longer receive any of his mail. From what I have been told he has hooked up with an older man and they are living with this man's 87 year old mother. I suspect this is true and since he feels this is a permanent arrangement he has notified everyone to send the mail to his new address.

I also wonder if my son is gay. I asked him once but he said that was the only thing he hasn't done. However, I was told by a counselor that our addicted children all have sexual issues. He once sent us a picture of him and a man who definitely appeared to have a feminine appearance and he has told us he has had "friends" who were gay.

I have no issues with the gay community, it is not for me to judge. I just don't feel it would be a good choice for "my son's" recovery. Well, let me be a bit more honest about this. As a Christian, I do believe the Bible is clear in saying homoexuality is a sin.

Why am I writing about all this? I have no idea, it's not something my sponsor would want me dwelling on.

I was told that as my son enters the late stages of his addiction that it was likely that he would choose to have less and less contact with his family.

Yes, I am still sad he has not accepted recovery but I also feel good about myself and I am trusting God's plan for my son's life. I am not in control and my son knows he is loved and forgiven.

Is silence golden? Not really but I can now deal with it.

In prayer for all our children.

"180 Degrees" means "hope!"

2010-08-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading "180 degrees" by Robert R. (www.the180book.com) and feel that it is worth the time to read. He was a chronic user of drugs and the disease would eventually make him homeless. Once his moment of clarity arrived, which created "willingness" he was able to reestablish his "intrinsic motivation" and then he was able to become a millionaire. Might be a great book to have your child read while they are in rehab or "protective custody!"

There is hope for all our children regadless of how deep the disease takes them.

His "Aha" moment;

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." The "teacher" may be The Program itself, this book, a family member, an internal whisper, or a dream." "Each of us gets it when we get it--when it's "our time" and not a moment sooner."

"The Fellowship and, most importantly, my conscious contact with God, I had a chance. I totally surrendered and put all my faith into everything the Program offered and suggested."

His definition of sobriety:

"Sobriety is defined as sane, reasonable, rational thinking. That state doesn't come from just not using; it comes from genuine change."

"I truly recognized my sobriety for the precious gift it is. We don't all get it. But for those of us who do, it is a miracle."

How he stays clean:

"I no longer struggle. As long as I stay close to The Fellowship, keep my sprititual connection to God and act and think daily in the ways that helped me get sober, I can remain free of the obsession -- free of the struggle that was once all I knew."

His favorite quotes:

"It is not who you are, it is who you are becoming, that matters. This is where the dance of life really begins." Barbara De Angelis, Ph. D.

"Today I will suffer in order to live like a champion tomorrow." Mohammad Ali

"Do what others won't, to achieve what others won't." Robert R.

"Thank God life is not fair, because if it were, I would be dead or in jail." A sober friend

His favorite prayer:

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

A good motivational idea:

"Anthony Robbins courses had taught us that people are either motivated by pain/consequences or gain/reward. Consequences motivated me. Bill asked, "Is there anyone you don't like?"

I replied, "Yes, I can think of someone."

Delighted, he replied, "Good." he instructed me to send him a check for five hundred dollars made out to this individual. If I did not complete the course by the date he and I agreed to, he was to mail the check. I made sure to complete the course in time!"

Keys to Success:

"I attribute my success to my ability to prioritize. I maintain my sobriety, stay close to The Program, and attend lots of AA meetings weekly, am of service when I can be -- inside and outside of AA, and take a persoanl inventory of my behavior at the end of every day. I try to recognize where I might be getting off track and quickly make amends or correct any mistakes. Keeping conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation is my favorite pritority."

He also believes that controlling your mind because it controls the way you feel about situations. He was told that his thinking would sometimes be irrational once he was no longer mediatated on drugs. This is why it is so important for new comers to have a sponsor. You have to have someone else to help you make decisions.

Some other ideas he found helpful to maintain his success was to (1) know that your mindset determines your success, (2) have faith in God's master plan for your life, believe that everthing will unfold in it's own time and (3) discipline creates order and control in your life.

The Eight Equities:

Spritual, Mental, Physical, Family, Romance, Financial, Career, and Social. He beieves that all eight are vital for balance and to keep your happiness.

He uses the acronym he learned from Anthony Robbins he termed, C.A.N.I. which emphasises "Constant And Never-ending Improvement.

Relationships:

No relationships in the first year of recovery!

In prayer for all who suffer from the disease of addiction.

I Interviewed Dr. Liddy Cataldi, author, "Stay Close"

2010-08-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

I read with great interest the book, "Stay Close" and as you all know I just don't read a book, I highlight and make copious notes.

At the end of my reading I had about a dozen questions that I was wanting to ask her about so I sent an email and she actually called me last week.

She went over every question and we had a very rewarding conversation but what was really enlightening is what she said about two treatment programs in Italy. She got so excited when she brought the subject up, she believes this is a hidden gold mind for parents. She referred me back to chapter 14 in her book (pg. 276-277).

Here's what she say's:

"There are at least two centers in Italy that cost nothing: San Patrignano and Comunita Cenacolo. They are free -- free for all clients, regardless of the family financial holdings, and regardless of the addict's personal wealth. Their only requirement is that the addict or alcoholic requests care and agrees to stay for three to five years (although the person is never held against their will). San Patrignano has accepted over eighteen thousand people sense it's inception in 1978. They don't accept money from their clients, their families, or public institutions, and they provide free medical care, legal assistance, job training, and an opportunity for people to change their lives. The center is self-perpetuating, and everyone on campus works in a host of enterprises, ranging from food and furniture production to equestrian traning and high-quality printing. In addition, and most important, recent studies conducted by several major universities show that after three years of independent living off camps, 72 percent of those who completed the program at San Patrignano are drug free and working.

The same is true for the Comunita Cenacolo: it's free, not subsidized by the goverment or any organization, requires a three year to five year commitment, and has a strong recovery rate. It is faith based, founded by a Catholic nun, and has over fifty houses throughout the world, but accepts young addicted people of all faiths or of no faith."

She goes on to discuss a friend in America who son is in their program who was a heroin addict and the success the child is having etc.

I, of course, highly reccommend her book. She is someone who speaks from the heart and is devoted to helping all parents of addcited children.

Two ideas to stop the insanity!

2010-08-06T14:37:00.000-07:00

Reality TV Show Idea:

One of the issues we parents will face is the "perfect parent syndrome." This inflection is brought on us by those "perfect parents" whose children never abused substances or, if the did, never became addicted. The "Perfect Parent's" either refuse or are unable to understand what we are dealing with and point that finger of blame on us for our child's actions.

I have come up with a new reality TV show idea in which the "perfect parents" will take over my parenting responsibilities and I will do the same for them. One episode will follow the parenting of teens (perfect teen vs addicted teen) and the other, adults (perfect adult child vs addicted adult child).

What do you think? Any volunteers to allow your child to participate?

Limitation Idea:

Family agrees to the following "limitations."

We agree to limit:

1. Our child moving back in with us or another relative after the second relapse.

2. Our child expenses which are either directly or indirectly linked to alcohol/other drugs to a maximum of $_________.

3. Our arguments/disagreements about our child if the discussion is either directly or indirectly linked to his/her use of alcohol/drugs to _____________ . This applies to any family member(s), friend(s)--anyone!

4. Our visitation to any local, county jail to a maximum of ____________ visits per each month he/she is incarcerated.

5. Our presence at any legal proceeding to _____________ per incident involving alcohol/drugs.

6. Our presence at any legal proceeding to a maximum of ______________for all incidents related either directly or indirectly to alcohol/drugs.

7. Our personal injury to a maximum of ____________ before we are required to call the police and file charges against our child.

Help me keep building on this. What else would you add?

It's Not Personal

2010-08-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

I have been reflecting on the countless times that my son has hurt me due to his addiction. I know I shouldn't be focusing on the past but I am also reminded that I should not take his actions personal. My son is simply being forced to act out the drama and chaos that the disease of addiction creates. I am also reminded that what is happening is really different from what my perception is.

I know to remind myself that it is not personal. I repeat that phrase over and over again. It helps, my anger and then the fear slowly begins to fade and I can live again.

I need to start living again.

It has nothing to do with me. I have done nothing wrong, I am a good parent.

I am not in control.

I trust God. I give my son to you God

No more calls, no more mail. I am so tired.

2010-07-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

We are still holding strong to "detaching with love" and "acceptance." However, the strength to do so is weakened when we get reports from well meaning friends who want to share with us the devastation they see.

Our son, lead by his disease, has found his way to a town about forty-five minutes from us. He called a childhood friend who lives there to see if he needed any tree work. This friend grew up with our son and played soccer, baseball and football with him from middle school through the high school years. The friend knows of our sons fight with addiction and knew from his voice that it would be best to meet him for lunch instead of having him over to his house. He knew he was using again.

He told us that our son looks sicker than he has ever seen him. His eyes are sunken and he is so thin that the friend asked if he thought he should see a doctor. We also learned that he is living with a man and his mother. The mother is 87!

And so it goes, another link in this endless disgusting journey to death, prison or a mental institution. Here I am again, totally helpless to prevent the disease from destroying my son.

I still get his mail which confirms his path of insanity. Mail from pawn shops, pass due notifications and attorney's who want to "represent" my son for outstanding warrants.

We continue to focus on our faith for strength to grieve the loss of the child of our hopes and dreams.

I just wish people would quit contacting me, I want to be left alone. I am so tired.

Is Recovery a "choice?"

2010-07-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

The simple answer is both yes and no.

Here's the painful facts I call, "The Rule of 1/3."

In general terms about 1/3 third of our children will "get" recovery the first go around. Another 1/3 will take from 5 to 15 relapses but will finally accept recovery. That leaves the last 1/3. This group will never "get it" and the disease will take their life. It is impossible for this final group to "choose" and/or "accept" recovery. They try hard, they do want recovery but the disease eventually wins the battle and they lose their fight for recovery.

There comes a point when the years of alcohol and other drug abuse does such damage to the mind and spirit that the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual damage can not be repaired. All one has to do is look at the grossly underestimated yearly deaths (100,000 alcoholics & 20,000 drug addicts). That's each & every year! This group of lost souls has no choice. If they did they would have choose life!

You will never be able to identify this last group of 1/3 because the good news of recovery is no matter how deep the disease takes our addicted children recovery is possible. That's why you never give up hope. You never quit loving and you remain in forgiveness.

The Kidnapping

2010-07-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

The event you are about to read happened fourteen years ago and it cleary indicates the extent a parent will go in an attempt to save their child from alcohol and other drugs. As this adventure ended it was my first experience in which I felt helpless, alone and knew I was not in control. However, I denied my feelings and It would be another ten years before I finally surrendered to the truth of step one of the twelve steps.

The kidnapping

We were told that our son was living in a "crack" house. We feared for his life and knew that he was under the complete control of the drugs.

I could not just go about my daily life knowing that my son was in such danger
and do nothing. I had no idea at this time where he was, how he lived or
what to do but I was determined to do all that I could do.

One day I picked up the phone and called the manager of the car lot he
had worked at prior to his disappearance and quite literally begged him
for information. I swore that any information he gave me about my son
would be confidential and all I was interested in was getting my son
back. Within twenty-four hours he called me and said I would have to
act quickly. I was to meet him at a gas station at 3:00PM and he would have my son there. He gave me the description of his car and told me to bring three hundred dollars to pay the drug dealer for money owed by my son. I thanked him and told him I would be in a white van and that I would have a friend with me.

I immediately attempted to contact our counselor for her advice on
completing my master plan but she wasn't in and I had to leave a voice
message. She had no idea what I had been planning.

We arrived early for our rendezvous. My plan was for my friend to help
me subdue my son if he became violent and help prevent any attempt to escape. I had
rigged the van so the back door could not be opened from the inside.

My contact arrived and motioned for me to approach his car. I
immediately pulled out the cash and thanked him for his help. He looked
nervous and was hesitant to take the money. He looked in all directions
as if there was some kind of "sting" about to take place. All I wanted
was my son back and that's what I told him. He took the money and said
that my son would be here in ten minutes and then he drove off. That was
a very long ten minutes but I spotted my son walking toward me and I
went to greet him. I told him his family loved him so very much and I
just wanted to visit with him for a few minutes. He agreed and entered
the back of the van. My trap was set and the plan was working to
perfection. I was very proud of myself.

My son looked as if he was just dug up from the cemetery, there were
scars on his cheek and chest. His head was shaven and he was so
thin and sickly looking that I knew he would soon be dead if I hadn't
come to "rescue" him. He had no idea what was going on and I now
suspect he only agreed to see me at the threat of his dealer cutting him
off from his drug supply. Once my son understood what my true intentions
were he began to get extremely nervous and a sense of impending violence
filled the air. As I drove off I informed him to relax and we would do
as he wished but just let me talk to him. I tried everything to convince
him to leave this place behind but he would have nothing to do with that
idea. Plan "B" was to take him back to our home against his will, if
necessary.

It was at this point my counselor called me on my mobile and said, "I
got your message, what are you doing?" I pulled the van over and got out
so I could speak to her privately. I then explained my plan and her
first response was "You got to be kidding me, you actually kidnapped
your son?" She continued, "I know what you are feeling but this isn't
going to work. If he doesn't want help then you have to let him go. He
is twenty-one. Call me later and let's talk." "OK" is all I said and
hung up. I was so confused, my plan made so much sense until now.

I got back into the van and asked my son, "where can I drop you off?" He
told me where to drive and we entered an apartment complex and I unlocked
the back door and let him out. We stood in the parking lot and I looked
him in the eyes and I started to cry. As I reached out to hug him I
begged, "Please don't go back, please." He said, "Dad, I am OK, I have
to go now." I watched him disappear behind one of the units. It was the saddest day of my life and I knew, without a doubt, I had lost him forever.

My Method of Detachment

2010-07-21T08:33:00.000-07:00

I have found that putting my fears and thoughts on paper help me in accepting my son's addiction and detaching from the insanity of the disease.

I know nothing about poetry but this is how I relieve the despair and grieve the loss of my child. I then feel a sense of calm and pray to God for continued strength and guidance.

This poem was written last year when he was heavy into his use of cocaine and homeless. We were experiencing one of our worst winters.

"Insane by Cocaine"

Face down in the frozen rain,
met my constant pain.

The darkness of the night,
emotional loss of sight.

Seventeen years lost,
cocaine, a high cost.

Teeth rotting from decay,
mind games, tricks it plays!

Pain, hunger and disease,
one more snort, please.

God, open my eyes,
or let me die.

This poem was shortly after I found my support group at Families Anonymous.

"Love in the Room"

Tears flowed from my eyes,
afraid he would die.

Yes, continued to cry,
after all his lies.

Sick of the past,
it continues to last.

But even in my gloom,
felt love in the room.

Today a better way,
come back they say.

You will know peace,
tears will cease.

Our Family Meeting

2010-07-18T19:01:00.001-07:00

Our family meeting went well. Your posts to my blog were discussed. In fact, they helped confirm what I knew, in my "head", must be done.

I wanted so desperately to say we could manage a relationship with our addicted child but the truth is too overwhelming. What we decided was to maintain our "no contact" clause except to take his call for the purpose of encouraging recovery. If he declined then we will tell him how much he is missed, how much we love him but we can only support recovery.

We are a very knowledgeable family about the disease of addiction and that knowledge, combined with seventeen years of practical experience, allows our logic to rule in our decision making instead of our hearts. We have played into the enemy's hands too many times in the past. We know how talented the disease is in convincing us to do the wrong thing while thinking we are doing the right thing. Still, we always seem to investigate a plan in which our "hearts" might win out. Unfortunately, it has never proved successful before. We still need outside eyes to refresh our memories and guide us back to reality. For that, we are thankful for our sponsor, counselor and your posts to my blog.

When he is ready to attempt recovery we will ask that he prove his willingness and successfully complete a 90 day in patient at the Salvation Army or other such program of his choosing and then a two year program, as Anna suggested in her post of 7/15/10. It is quite obvious that our son needs a long term commitment, one that is out of our state. To be successful in recovery he must try something different than what he has tried in the past.

For the most part we are content in knowing that he knows we are not doing this to "punish" him but to protect our well being, to secure our boundaries. He knows quite well that he is loved, forgiven and is welcomed back into the family when he commits to recovery. In this regard, we are all very blessed.

What would you do?

2010-07-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Here's a brief background on our child to help you (us) in the "understanding" and "planning" stage of reestablishing a relationship with our son. When I use the word "relationship" I somehow get a feeling that the definition is so totally different from "Webster's" and I know that only those reading this blog would understand what I mean by that.

Our son began using (alcohol & marijuana) at age 16 and this is when we began seeing some significant behavior problems; we were clueless (at that time), to his use of alcohol and other drugs so we took him to physiologists. At no time did anyone suggest to us that we might be dealing with a substance abuse issue and no Doctor ever assessed our son with any mental disorder(s). He would be 23 before the family decided he needed professional help due to drug use. Our son is now 35.

At no time has he ever been clean longer than nine months. He will, after a couple months of heavy use establish a recovery program and do well for six to nine months and then he relapses again. It usually takes about four to six weeks after he relapses before he loses "everything" (car, cell phone, relationships, job, drivers license etc.) and then he will enter the Salvation Army or another homeless shelter and attempt recovery again. Of course, prior to this we have sent him to formal treatment programs. We have spent in excess of $100,000 on these programs and other miscellaneous expenses.

He has been in and out of county jails thirteen times for criminal misdemeanors. He is not violate and is quite intelligent, loving and soft spoken when not using. He is a hard worker and has a true talent in tree trimming.

Side note: He is a scratch golfer. He once went two years without playing golf and found himself, once again, in the Salvation Army program. They did a field trip to a driving range one day and the Major was watching him drive the golf ball 300+ yards so he invited him to play a round of golf with him the next day. My son, using a set of old clubs found at the Salvation Army, shot two over par. He just has a natural gift for golf.

Items to be considered:

* He is actively using (cocaine/meth) at this time and says he isn't using as heavy as he used to but then says he is spending more time in the casino's.
* He has a criminal misdemeanor warrant for his arrest
* He has no money as he continues to hock items
* He has a car and cell phone (I am amazed!)
* He works as a tree trimmer
* He is not married nor are there children involved
* He has stolen items from other family members but never from us, as far as we know.
* The family forgives him, loves him and enjoys being around him when he is clean.
* The primary reason we (mom and dad) established the "no contact" clause in our last "Family Agreement" is because we are worn out and we had never formally did this before, so why not try something different?

Based on this information and let's say this was your situation, what would your understanding be with your child to reestablish a relationship, if any?

A Relationship With Our Addicted Son

2010-07-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

I remember reading somewhere that George McGovern (22-year U.S. Congressman and 1972 Democratic presidential nominee) adult son was addicted to drugs. He talked about his relationship with his son and the love he and the family had for one another.
The family counselor said it had come to the point where they had to "cut ties" with their son. They could have no further contact until he was ready to accept recovery. The family agreed and the call came to George McGovern and he explained to his son the family position. Within a short period of time the police notified him that his son had taken his own life. Mr. McGovern said he will always live with the regret of not taking that last call from his son.

Fear and sadness enter my mind as I know our family has made the same decision and we could get that call at any moment.

Years ago our counselor encouraged out family to read the book, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It is, as most of you know, required reading for us enablers/codependents.

The following quote from Melody has never left my mind and as I first read it, I denied the possibility about her statement regarding the death of our children. What truly scares me now is, I now understand and accept it as truth.

"I detest the disease of alcoholism. Chemical dependency and other compulsive disorders destroy people--beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, creative, loving caring people who do not deserve to be destroyed. The illnesses kill love and dreams, hurt children, and tear apart families. Alcoholism leaves in it's wake sheared, fragmented, bewildered victims. Sometimes the early death it brings to the drinker causes far less pain than the wretched illness caused during his or her lifetime. it is a horrid, cunning, baffling, powerful, and deadly disease.

Don't misunderstand, I will never give up hope. I will never quit praying. I will intervene when I see death as imminent. I will never give up.

However, what do we, as loving, caring parents do?

I read comments about how to respond to our children. Words and phrases such as, "Wow," "Bummer" and "cool" was suggested from Kathy M (see post 7/7). I keep in my iphone a list of responses to keep me grounded when I was taking calls from my son.

* I know that you will make a good choice or decision.
* Oh!
* Did he ask for my advice?
* Start your response with the word, "what." Ask questions like, "Has that proved successful before?
* Instead of saying "why?" Say, "What Now?"
* This is a decision you will want to make yourself.
* I love you, I know you are an intelligent, hardworking etc. person.
* I have always believed in you.

Yes, I would actually have these phrases in front of me as I talked with my son on the phone. I know how easily I am drawn into the chaos which triggers my enabling behaviors. I have to say once I practiced this, it gave me peace. It actually did work for me.

My son knew from my responses that I was changing; he remarked, "I'm hearing something different from you, are you still going to that support group cult?" When he called my parent support group a cult and questioned me going, I knew I was on the right path to my own recovery. :)

Well, that was then and this is now. We need help in developing a new plan of interaction. What are some other ideas that would not get in his way of recovery, yet maintain a positive communication and relationship between our addicted son and his family?

I know we are all at different places in this journey. Ours began seventeen years ago. What could we do that we haven't already done? Is this all there is?

Warning - incoming call - man your battle stations!

2010-07-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

We are driving to work and my wife's cell phone goes off. I say, "Who's that?" and she says "It's our son" and as I begin to say, "Remember, don't answer the call" she has already started talking.

However, God intervened on my (our) behalf. The call was dropped after about 60 seconds!

I'm not pleased, to say the least. What about our plan I asked? My wife responds, "I know, I know - I'm sorry."

"OK, OK" I replied and then I had to ask, "What did he say?" "He misses his family and then he started to cry." My wife told him we missed him too and we loved him etc. Then her cell phone indicates a text message has been left. She immediately checks it and our son wants to know why she hung up on him. We decide to simply text him that he is loved and we support recovery. He later calls our office and wants to talk to mom but our receptionist tells him mom is on the phone, she is not, and then he wants an explanation as to why she hung up on him. The receptions explains what happened and he hangs up.

Our son has forgotten that our "Family Agreement" prohibits contact until he is in recovery.

It's sad that even in the simplest of situations there has to be soooo much drama. Such is the nature of the disease. You would think we would get use to it!

In the past he would call when he is living on the street and has no one left to help him. He will do exactly what he just did today, talk about how much he misses his family and how sad he is, then he breaks down and cries. Next he will end up in a homeless shelter, hospital or jail. He will then get clean and stay in recovery for around six to nine months; then he relapses and the drama starts to unfold all over again. We are usually involved in some manner. We help when our counselor/sponsor says it's OK and yes, we mess up and enable at times too. But I am resolved this time to stay completely out of his way. My wife is trying hard, it is sad and difficult for all of us.

What have you experienced in situations like this?

In prayer for all our children.

Jail

2010-07-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

Our last contact with our son was on May 24, 2010 but his disease continues to update us through the U. S. Postal Service.

I'm not sure why his addicted brain continues to list my business address as his mailing address. Of course, I understand very little about his addictive thinking. I think I am much safer not knowing!

I can't stop myself from opening his mail. Is that codependendent behavior? What would you do? What have you done? I'm not alone in this behavior, am I?

When I keep receiving letters form attorney's addressed to my son my curiosity begins to build and I have no more control over my actions than my son has over is compulsion to use drugs.

There they were, the letters, sitting in plain view on my desk. I sat quietly and stared at them, then screamed out, "I should call my sponsor!" But before I could reach for my phone, I tore open the first letter. There it was, a copy of a criminal misdemeanor warrant having been issued on 6/25/10 by the state for "Transporting An Open Container of Intoxicating Liquor." The attorney indicated that, "Affordable Payment Plans Available," that was funny. I needed a laugh.

Then there was a letter from a hospital. No way could I stop myself from opening that one. Yes, just as I feared, it was an emergency room invoice for $267.00.

The next one was from a pawn shop informing my son of a "Friendly Loan Reminder." He appears to have pawned something for which he was loaned $50.00 and to renew the loan would cost him $20.00. Wow! I should get in this business, seems very profitable.

Well, that was all the letters. I felt much better now. He was alive and giving every indication he is on his path to recovery. That's right, I believe that jail is another opportunity for him to experience his moment of clarity. I don't call it jail anymore, as I prefer to think of it as being "rescued" or even better, "protective custody."

Soon the county jail will call, on his behalf, and we will say, "We do not take collect calls from a jail." We will then get a letter asking for help and we will respond with, "We love you, you are forgiven, we support recovery." For details on our "Family Agreement" see my post of 6/21 and 6/22.

The area he was arrested in and the hospital is in the section of the metro where gangs, drugs and murders are frequently reported on the news. I know he is in a drug house. This is not the first time.

"It's hard to get enough of something that almost works." Vincent Felitti, MD

Before I worked the steps, had a sponsor and counselor I would have driven down there and searched for him for hours. I have even hired a private investigator to locate him. I look back on those time and thank God for my support group and allowing me to find my own recovery.

My family has given him over to God. We have done all we can do, we are content. We use the power of prayer to give us peace. I can now sleep and know, through His strength, I can handle whatever struggles come my way.

"All problems are psychological, but all solutions are spiritual." Thomas Hora, MD

Blessings to all my fellow travelers. Each of you are in my prayers.

Codependent? Yes, but it's not my fault!

2010-07-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

Science has discovered a brain chemical know as oxytocin that both the father and mother of children have which allows parents to tolerate the stress a child creates. It's one of the "love hormones." it is nature's way of giving us something to enjoy about parenting. We, as parents, become "hooked" on our children.

So, it's obvious I have simply been given an over abundance of oxytocin. I am very excited to explain this to my sponsor! It's not my fault!

Our Higher Power granted our brains the connections necessary to trigger the chemistry of love and social connections. This insures the motivation for the emotional closeness we have with our children.

However, my natural parental instinct's created an unhealthy obsession. As one counselor told me, your son became addicted to drugs and you became addicted to your son.

Melody Beattie in her book, "Codependent No More" defines a codependent person as one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling the person's behavior.

I am aware now after working the steps and listening intently to my sponsor and counselor that my dysfunctional behavior was my attempt to protect myself from the emotional pain and stress that the disease of addiction created.

However, addiction is never one person's problem, the whole family is affected. Healing for us required our family to stop ignoring, hiding and/or denying the problem. We learned to communicate with one another in an open and honest manner; to focus on solutions guided by our counselor and sponsor. We also learned that if we were not in recovery then there was little chance we could be of any future benefit to our addicted child.

This learning process took us over seven years but we are beginning to experience what our support group first promised us, peace and serenity.

We remind ourselves frequently that our recovery is not about perfection, it's about progress.

That is my prayer for all of us who were thrust into this journey, let's all seek progress, one day at a time, and put ourselves in the best possible position to help our child, in an appropriate manner, when they discover their moment of clarity.

Nothing Left to Do or Say?

2010-06-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

This marks the longest period of time our family has ever went without either knowing where our addicted son was or hearing directly from him.

My daughter no longer wishes to speak about her brother, so I will no longer bring the subject up. The last statement she said to me was, "We have discussed this before and I see no purpose in any further discussion. It has all been said before and we have done all that we can do, there is nothing left to say or do."

In the book, "No More Letting Go" by Debra Jay she speaks specifically on where I, as the parent of an addict, begin and where I end. She encourages a proactive stance, one that focuses on solutions, not retreat. Her basic premise is: a person who is addicted does not do what he wants to do but what the disease tells him to do. If I, as the parent, refuses to do anything and/or if I do not say anything, then I am simply giving the disease my permission to destroy my son. I will never give such permission as long as there is a breath left in my body.

In the book, "Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism," it states that detachment is not a wall but a bridge.

Brad Lamm, in his book, "How to Change Someone You Love" says, "Please consider this truth: With your love, help, and support, change begins; and you have as many tries as you wish to take."

Loving my addicted son means knowing when I am standing in the way of his recovery but loving my son also means never giving up hope. Never.

I believe that Norman Vincent Peale spoke the truth when he said, Have you ever stopped to wonder what it is that keeps you going from one day to another? What lies behind your ability to fight your way through periods of discouragements or depression? What makes you believe that sooner or later bad times will get better? It’s a little, four-letter word that has enormous power in it. Power to bring failures back to success. Power to bring the sick back to health. Power to bring the weak back to strength. It’s hope.

I do work my own recovery program.

I have a wonderful sponsor and two alcohol/drug counselors who keep me grounded and most importantly a intimate relationship with my Higher Power, God.

Our family knows we will, once again, receive a call from our addicted son and once again, we will be faced with making difficult decisions. We will, as always, speak with our sponsor and counselor but I will also ask for you to share your experiences.

We are all family, a team untied to defeat the disease of addiction.

With love and respect,

VJ